


Violent Delights

by RynBadger



Category: League of Legends
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2020-04-07 13:14:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 32,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19085776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RynBadger/pseuds/RynBadger
Summary: One shot. NSFW. Trigger warning for violent, lustful things."Violent. Biting, clawing, slashing, gnawing. It hurt so badly but his grip was too strong to escape."





	1. Violent Delights

**Author's Note:**

> Point of Reference: Chapter One - Bad Dragon's "Nox" for Rhaast.  
> Chapter artwork credit[except ch.1 cover] goes to the wonderfully talented Nin @Ninzephyr! Check her out of Facebook and patreon!

 

My breath caught in my throat, a sick, twisting feeling in my stomach, knotting painfully, brought me to my knees as I fought for air. It felt as though the corruption that spread across my skin was on fire while simultaneously being ripped from my flesh. The world around me began to spin as agony made me light-headed, the sound still echoing in my head as if amplified a hundred times over, the glitter of razor-sharp shards mesmerizing me as they seemed to defy gravity, however briefly, before they clattered to the floor in a shower of corrupted steel.

The Blade of Millenia had shattered.

A part of me seemed unable to register it. Through the sounds of my screams and the haze of pain that clawed at my face and body, I could see the shadows that blocked out all light around me, my good hand grasping at the searing feeling that terrorized my left eye whilst catching sight of my Master with the other. The other two Darkin that stared back at him had been intent on releasing Rhaast from his prison and in my hubris, I challenged them to try and take him from me.

How incredibly stupid of me.

Seeming satisfied that they got what they came for, they made no further move upon us, Master Zed standing between us, his body tense for action. But my focus was seized by the familiar, maniacal laughter that filled the air, a form taking shape before me as the corruption on my body seemed to lift away, drawn to the figure beginning to take shape before me. My blood ran cold and my heart sank as it dawned on me that Rhaast had been unleashed, my mouth going dry as the color drained from my face.

What had they done?

" _Yeeeeeeees!_ " The menacing purr was all too familiar to me. " _At last!_ "

What was it that permeated my senses then? Fear. All consuming fear. It settled in my mouth like an unshakeable bitterness, churning my stomach and prickling my skin.

I could see beyond the forming mass of sinewy muscle and wicked teeth that my Master had turned his attention to the new threat between us, blades coming to bare.

" _Freedom... delicious...._ " Euphoria consumed the low growl Rhaast uttered, a wickedly gleeful chuckle following, newly reformed claws flexing in anticipation.

Rhaast was massive. I did not know what I had expected but seeing him in the flesh horrified me. Although not quite the height of Aatrox he was certainly able to easily tower over the average man, his bulk designed for sheer power and destruction, all armored muscle, claws, fangs, and a pair of grand, curving horns that protruded from his head, eyes glowing redder than blood.

The pain dulled now that the separation from me was completed and Rhaast's hungry stare fell upon me like a rabid wolf, all too eager to beset upon the prey it had stalked for so long. It was so unsettling I could feel myself tremble before it, ashamed of my own weakness. But I knew better than anyone what sort of monster Rhaast really was, what he was capable of doing. It was enough to make one physically sick. His thirst for blood and death was insatiable and I knew I was at the top of his list to murder.

"Come, brother. There will be time for the brat later." Varus' voice reached my ears, despite the ringing that left me feeling shell-shocked and I noticed Rhaast's attention was caught too.

It was all the distraction that was needed. 

The shadows that swirled around us closed in swiftly, blotting out all visibility. It was merely seconds, but it was enough. I could feel Zed's strong arms hoist me to my feet and for a moment, I dared to hope that we could escape. 

" _No! He is mine!_ " 

Suddenly, something had my arm, clawed fingers with a vice-like grip clamped about my bicep, wrenching me away from my Master's hold.

" _You will not rob me of what is rightfully mine_!" came the enraged hiss.

I tried to call out, my free arm reaching desperately for Zed, our fingertips grazing. I don't know what I was thinking. There was no hope for me anymore. I was weak and hurt. I was easy prey.

Everything happened so fast then. 

The world seemed to dissipate before reforming around us and I realized after a dazed moment that we must have teleported somewhere beyond reach. Beyond help.

My senses were jolted back into me as I was roughly tossed to the ground, rivets of blood on my arm from where Rhaast's claws had dug into me. Reflexively, I attempted to back peddle away from him from my prone position on the ground, gaze fixated upon him as he glowered down at me. Vaguely, I was aware that we were in an old abandoned temple somewhere, though I was unsure of the exact location.

It seemed Rhaast had some new tricks up his sleeves and the thought scared me.

I had never feared anything in my life but now I felt it as keenly as a knife held to my throat. I had failed at containing and overpowering the Darkin Blade and the monster that laid within and the thought made me ill. I never failed.

Rhaast towered over me and I could not help but be stricken by his presence. An intimidating mass of corded sinew and hulking muscle packed into a lean frame built for speed and destruction, the Darkin was something otherworldly. And I knew just how much he relished in the hunt, craved the chase. 

I knew better than anyone.

A full moon lit the darkness from outside, the faint sound of dripping water echoing in the silence, fueling my paranoia as Rhaast's glowing gaze fixated upon me, his maw of sharp teeth askew in what I could only imagine was some sort of twisted grin of triumph. 

A storm was coming, I could smell it on the air, feel the charge of electricity on my skin, the faint rumble in the distance harolding the oncoming weather. The occasional flash of lightning was just enough to offer some illumination of the area around me and there was no relief when I realized just how doomed I was, no weapon and no hope of making it out alive.

I tried to scuttle back to a corner of the room, needing the security of something at my back and sides, my eyes locked on the Darkin before me as he began to advance, his clawed feet faintly scratching against the hardwood floor. 

I felt so incredibly stupid. 

My pride had blinded me, my ego all but destroying everything I had given my life for. I desired power and for a moment, I had held it in my hands, so carelessly. All I ever wanted was to be my Master's equal. To garner recognition and approval in his eyes. But it seemed I was still the foolish child he must have thought me to be.

I felt a sting prickle at the corner of my eyes, frustration building in my core. How could I have been so naive? I knew better. I realized I had brought this all on my self, that I had no one to blame but my own hubris. I played with fire and now I could only stand and watch as an inferno consumed what remained of my life.

" _What's the matter, boy?_ " Rhaast implored, his low growl tinged with mirth as he enjoyed the fear he could no doubt see in my eyes. " _No snarky remarks? No threats? Where's that ego you carry so well?_ "

I had no answers and I could feel myself quaking where I sat. In a sudden burst of energy, I turned and attempted a mad dash away, the sudden adrenaline rush of my fight or flight instincts kicking in, stupidly hoping I could scramble away and escape.

The cruel grip that suddenly seized my ankle thwarted any hope I had of getting away, a powerful yank from my assailant pulling me back towards him across the floor and he held me there as his laughter filled the air.

" _Where do you think you are going?_ " He purred like a cat playing with a mouse and it sickened me.

"L-let go of me!" It was my last act of defiance as I struggled in his hold but he merely lifted me up off the floor, dangling me upside down.

" _You no longer give the orders around here._ " he mused and promptly dropped me.

He was right. I was defenseless and completely at his mercy. I noticed the way he considered me from where I laid on my back and for some reason it made my skin crawl. He noted my discomfort and smirked, an unsettling expression that made my hair stand on end. 

Before I realized it, he was standing over me, a clawed hand around my neck as he knelt over me, face so close to mine as he sniffed me.

" _Mmm... do you smell that? It smells like... fear...._ " he purred throatily against my ear and to my horror, I felt the jolt run down my back, paralyzing me.

But nothing could prepare me for the feeling of something thick and wet gliding along my cheek, revolted by his tongue touching me, feeling violated yet powerless to move.

" _Delicious...._ " he mused, sitting up after a few beats that I wasn't even aware I had been holding my breath for.

He sized me up in a way that was so remarkably uncomfortable that for a moment I wondered if he actually intended on eating me alive right then and there. Powerful arms pinned my own down above my head, his heavy body straddling me, his weight alone preventing me from moving.

" _Now then._ " he hummed, " _I shall take what you promised me._ "

I blinked at his words, confused. I never promised him anything!

"I despise you- I made no promises!" It was true. For the life of me, I could not think of what he might have been referring to, until his dark chuckle filled me with dread, realization slowly kicking in as he hovered down close, his breath hot on my skin.

" _Our contract promised me a body to possess should you fail... Your body...._ "

Terror gripped me, his hold tightening on my wrists and I realized just how easily he could snap them like toothpicks if he so wished. I could feel the fear welling up inside me, my eyes meeting his malicious, hungry stare.

"No... y-you wouldn't...!" I knew the answer, it was obvious in his expression.

He had every intention of getting what he wanted, by any means necessary.

" _You had the audacity to try and claim me. Now it's my turn._ "

Teeth sunk into the soft flesh of my shoulder so quickly I didn't even see it coming. I cried out in pain, feeling the thick fangs rip through me, drawing blood from the cruel bite. It was a game to him but to me, it was a nightmare I couldn't wake up from. I tried to cry out for help but the pain only made my voice catch in my throat, a strained sound and nothing more.

" _Zed can't hear you. Zed can't help you._ " he all but sang, licking my blood from his jaws.

A clawed hand gripped my face, tight on my jaw as he brought his menacing features closer to mine, " _You belong to me now._ "

I tried to struggle, desperately trying to fight him off but it was laughable how easily he overpowered me, crushing me under his bulk, lapping at my neck. 

"G-get off me!" I shouted but to no avail. He was relentless in his assault and in the dark, I could feel something hot and hard press against my thigh.

It dawned on me like a slap to the face. His intentions were becoming all too clear as my struggling only excited him more. My stomach knotted in disgust and fear. There was something else, too, and I felt utter shame.

What was wrong with me?

" _I think you like it._ " came the confirmation I had been dreading.

My heart sank as I took notice of the unintentional twitch in my pants, heat springing to life in my face. "F-fuck you!" I spat, a last-ditch effort at defiance.

" _Exactly._ " The low, purr like laughter made my heart stop as surely as his words did and before I could put up a fight, he roughly flipped me over, my stomach now pressed to the cold wood floor of the temple.

"N-no! No! Rhaast- no!" I begged and pleaded, desperation building, my heart thundering in my ears, drowning out the sound of the storm that drenched the world outside, my fingers clawing at the ground to try and get away from my attacker. "Stop it, Rhaast! Get off me!"

My pleas were ignored as the Darkin breathed down my neck, clawed hands gripping at my hips, eagerly yanking away my armor and tearing away my tattsuke-bakama. With his hands busy, I managed to land a blind kick, using it to my advantage to try and scramble away but a sharp tug on my braided hair caught me off guard, pitching me backward with a startled yelp.

" _You little shit, I will take what is owed to me!_ " His voice was a low, annoyed growl and when I looked up I was startled to find that Rhaast was completely naked, perhaps had been all this time and I had never noticed until my new vantage point provided me with all the clarity I needed to know I was doomed.

He was fully erect and slightly curved upwards, the flesh of his shaft a deep red, fading to purple in color at the thick, crested head, strong musculature running down the shaft and culminating at a knot like bulge along his underside, just at his base. Up close, it was an intimidating monster and I felt my blood run cold.

I had no time to process just exactly what I was looking at until my mouth was roughly pried open, hot, throbbing muscle forcing its way in, pressing down on my tongue and triggering my gag reflex. I choked on the girth of him, horrified as he hit the back of my throat with his tip and for a moment, I couldn't breathe let alone think.

I used to fantasize about performing oral on Master Zed, much to my own shame, but I had never actually committed the act before. I had no idea what to do and the impulse to bite Rhaast was a strong one, however, his bulk made it impossible to try and do so. I could feel my throat expanding as he shoved down deeper, his clawed fingers in my hair as I struggled to snatch air when I could, tears springing to my eyes as I gagged again and again. I could hear Rhaast's hums of pleasure, the slap of his hips against my face all too real to ignore. This was my special kind of hell.

When I thought I could keep up no longer, his body jerked roughly, hitting my chin as he came, fingers tight in my hair and hot, salty liquid filled my mouth and throat thickly, prompting me to gag again, powerless to fight him. To my dismay, it was swallow or drown. Reflexively, against my better judgment, I swallowed.

Air rushed into my lungs as he pulled out and I coughed, struggling to regain the ability to breathe, feeling light-headed. I attempted to vomit, but couldn't, the taste of him staining my mouth, remnants of his seed running down my chin, my jaw sore and aching. I had never felt so disgusted with myself in my life and yet I could not ignore the unwanted hardness that had form between my own legs.

I didn't want this. I took no pleasure from it. Why was this happening to me?

Any hope I had that the worst of it was over was crushed when strong, unforgiving hands once more flipped me over, the sound of Rhaast's heavy, excited breathing in my ear. He pinned me down with his weight, a clawed hand on the back of my head, tangled in my hair while the other centered its self on the middle of my back, keeping me in place as his hard shaft slid along the curve of my ass. I tried to struggle but I didn't have the energy for it anymore.

" _Don't act like you do not want this, you little bitch. I know what lurks in the dark corners of your mind. Or is it because it's not your beloved Zed that you feel so ashamed?_ "

The question was another slap to the face I did not need. What I fantasized about gave Rhaast no right to attack me this way. What I felt for my Master was complicated, even I would admit that. I desired him, yes, but nothing like this. Rhaast took my most coveted secrets and perverted them into something awful and twisted. Yet my body would not obey me. It was as though the Darkin sapped all my strength.

" _No matter, I will play with you all the same._ "

The pain was unexpected. I cried out, startled, as he unceremoniously bucked his hips into me, forcing himself in. It burned. It hurt. It was like nothing I ever experienced before as he tore through me. A whole new world of pain opened up to me as he shoved in deeper, a sharp pain shooting up from my tailbone up my back, making my breath catch in my throat. I could feel him fill up every space within me, his bulk hot and pulsating with excitement.

I bit down on my own lip, hard enough to draw blood as he drew back and pushed forward again, cruelly penetrating me. My nails scratched uselessly at the floorboards, splinters stabbing beneath my fingernails, hands curling into white-knuckled fists uselessly either side of my head, my eyes squeezing shut as the pain washed over me in waves of hellfire. I could hear my own pitiful whimpers mingle with Rhaast's primitive grunts, his thrusts sharp and merciless against me.

"Nyghnnn! I-it... it hurts...." I sounded pathetic and I knew it.

In response, Rhaast just laughed at me, thrusting harder. " _Good._ " he all but purred, his deep, throaty growl now husky with lust.

It sent an unexpected shiver running along my skin and again, I felt my nethers twitch against the unforgiving cold of the floor. What was wrong with me? I could feel him spread me open ever so easily, sliding his way effortlessly in and out of me and it hurts so much, a muffled sob escapes my throat. It was an unending agony as my attacker rutted against me like a wild animal in heat, my nerve endings on fire.

Then something happened I did not see coming. My eyes flew open, caught off guard and confused as a strangled sounding mewl tore from my throat when Rhaast angled himself differently, his thrust hitting something inside me that sent a wave of painful pleasure coursing through my body. When he hit it a second time, I inhaled sharply, both horrified and aroused, the Darkin's malicious chuckle in my ear.

" _Ahhh, there it is... Now let's have some fun._ " he purred, low and husky, his tone sending shivers rippling along my spine.

I cried out as he rammed into me hard, momentarily seeing white as that spot was hit again and then again, his thrusts now even more aggressive than before. I couldn't control my body anymore, a fever had come over me, making me delirious as I panted for breath, body now fully awake to the unprovoked and unwanted pleasure that assaulted my senses. 

I felt dirty and violated, ashamed and disgusting but my body wouldn't listen to my mental please to fight back. Instead, I laid there, mewling like a cheap whore on the dirty floor of an abandoned temple, being raped and unable to stop it. No one was coming to save me and I couldn't even save myself. I was unworthy.

Sobs slipped past my lips as I struggled to catch my breath with each new wave of pleasure that overtook me from Rhaast's powerful, merciless thrusts. It was a flurry of chaos roused by lust. In my haze, I didn't even notice when he flipped me over, claws digging into my thighs as he bent over me, my body shifting relentlessly against the floor with each frantic buck of his hips into mine. The sickening sound of something grindingly pop barely registered in the flurry of it all but the all new wave of agony it brought with it made me realize the roughness of my assault dislocated something- what, I couldn't be too sure, pain drowned out by even more of it as I cried out.

Violent. Biting, clawing, slashing, gnawing. It hurt so badly but his grip was too strong to escape.

I don't even know when I stopped trying to get away, instead trying to focus on surviving the encounter. My own shaft hurt from pent-up arousal but I did my best to ignore it. I refused to touch myself. I wouldn't give my rapist the satisfaction. The air had gotten humid and sticky with our body heat, my whimpering mewls drowned out by Rhaast's hungry growls for more.

I bled from numerous places, clawed to hell and penetrated none too gently, the metallic taste of blood in my mouth from biting my own lip so hard. Bruises were forming already and I realized I lost track of time, the Darkin's stamina was unreal and I was beyond exhausted. He bit me more than once, sinking those wicked teeth into any soft flesh he could reach, marking me as his prize, leaving behind wounds that were vicious in nature.

He pressed into me hard, relentlessly pounding me and I could feel the pressure mounting in my stomach, my hands gripping Rhaast's muscular thighs, nails biting into his corded flesh as my legs began to shake. I could feel my eyes roll back, my breath hitching as Rhaast began to emit a deep, throaty purr, perhaps a moan of some sort, his thrusts now wild and uncalculated, his thick throbbing heat swelling inside me. 

Violent delights had violent ends.

Renewed pain jolted my body when his hips shoved viciously into me, the swell of his knot bypassing my defenses, tethering us together, the feeling of his engorged glands swelling and then compressing into me sending heat like no other erupting inside me, my breath caught with a sharp inhale as my back arched up off the floor. I could keenly feel the thick strands of the Darkin's seed coated my insides, globs of it. The feeling was too much to take. Without touching myself, I came, crying out in dismay.

Shamed, humiliated, abused and used.

I wanted to die.

Too tired and numb to move, I just laid there as Rhaast hovered over me, waiting for what seemed like an eternity until at last his arousal dulled enough so he could tug himself free, withdrawing from me with a sickening squelch, moisture seeping from me, dripping onto the floor. My chest rose and fell as I panted, struggling to regain my breath. I didn't have the will for anything anymore save to keep breathing. 

Rhaast considered me, seeming more than satisfied with his handy work, hovering over me with that same malicious grin from before. Gathering my braid near the base of my neck, he used it to lift me partially from the mess on the floor, the pain nothing compared to what I had just endured. I just stared back at him, all fight gone from me, awaiting my fate. I prayed he would end me then and there and be done with it.

" _Consider your debt paid, boy._ " he all but laughed in my face. " _Go back to your precious Zed and know he will never have you like I did._ "

To my surprise, those words hurt more than anything Rhaast could have ever done to me. He utterly destroyed me with those words and I felt a stabbing pain in my heart. The shame was too much to bear. 

He released me and I just laid there, even long after he was gone. I cried for the first time in my life. It wasn't intentional, I was too numb to willingly weep, but it just sort of happened. I couldn't move, everything hurt far too much to even try. Even as I heard the approaching footsteps outside the temple, the rain at last subsiding, I didn't even bother to try and protect myself.

What was there left to protect, anyway?

I had nothing left. My dignity, my pride, my will... it was all gone, ripped away from me by my own stupidity.

A part of me hoped Rhaast had returned to finish the job. When shadows seemed to materialize out of nowhere, my heart sank ever deeper in my chest, the blur of my vision vaguely able to make out armor all too familiar in the dim light of dawn seeping in through the temple entrance, the storm reseeding. I didn't want him to be there, I didn't want him to see me like this, used up and broken.

I turned my head away from him as he approached, silent save for the soft footfalls as he drew nearer. I swallowed thickly, feeling tears renewed but stubbornly refusing to let them fall in his presence. I was pathetic enough, I didn't need to add to it. A strong arm slid under me and sat me up, my body screaming in protest. I was a fucking mess.

The stretch of silence was insufferable and when I couldn't stand it any longer, he startled me when he spoke, "He will pay for this, Shieda. This I swear to you."

My gaze, at last, fell upon my Master, searching the mask he wore, his face always a mystery. Rarely was my first name ever spoken, by myself let alone anyone else and his voice was steady but laced with deadly promise. It surprised me. "Forgive me... I failed...." 

It was all I could offer, a hoarse croak from my battered neck. I wanted to slink into the shadows, to be anywhere but there in that moment. But Zed stayed, supporting me, vowing retribution. 

"I protect my own."

It was more of a vow than a statement, I realized. He was willing to fight for me, even when I had lost the will to do so myself. I felt something stir in my chest, a glimmer of hope perhaps. 

Maybe I was still worth saving.

 

 


	2. Trauma and Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pain, panic attacks, and ptsd, how can one learn to cope? In the pit of dispair there is still hope. What is the true meaning of strength?

 

I bled for days after the assault.

Ashamed and humiliated, I hid away in my own private chamber within the monastery instead of the infirmary, much- I realize- to Zed's disapproval but I was stubborn and I would much rather recollect what was left of myself in solitude than where anyone could get to me all too easily if they so wished.

I wasn't feeling particularly trusting these days. 

It was bad enough hearing the curious whispers uttered in the dark by the other acolytes of the Order, each with their own theory as to what could have transpired, speculating and judging. I didn't blame them for their prying. If they could see me... well, I'm sure I looked as though I had been mauled by some sort of wild beast and in a sense, that wasn't entirely untrue.

The night of the storm, after Master Zed had retrieved me, we slipped back to the monastery the Yanléi called home under the cover of shadow, away from prying eyes but even so, word spread quickly that I was in bad shape- bad enough to require medical attention in the darkness of my private quarters for days afterward.

As I laid in my bed, stiff and in the most discomfort I had ever known in my life, I wondered if the pain would ever go away. If the bleeding would ever stop. Even with the healing salves and the herbal drinks to help with the pain the healer who tended to me provided, it still wasn't enough. Tao knew better than to ask but I could see it in his eyes that he was able to piece two and two together based on my condition and the type of wounds he was dealing with. It honestly wasn't hard to figure out and I would peg him an idiot if he hadn't. All the same, I appreciated his silence on the matter, even if I could do without the look of pity I saw in his eyes.

Being alone, oddly enough, was the only time I felt somewhat safe. When at last I was left to myself, the healer having done all he could for me for the time being, the curtains drawn to block out the light, I laid there aching, staring up at the ceiling, counting the boards to pass the time until the herbals teas eased my tormented mind, still restless but at least I was able to breathe despite the boredom that set in. 

Sleep was impossible. Rhaast plagued my thoughts and when I closed my eyes, I relived those awful moments of the longest night of my life over and over. They were so vivid, so real that I dreaded that I was reliving the attack only to be jolted awake, trembling and sweating. It was almost as terrifying to me as the real thing. It was as though I wasn't even safe when I slept, as if every shadow was a threat.

Rhaast had stolen so much from me that a bitter anger began to settle in my chest. I was robbed of my dignity, my hope, my virginity, and even now, he continued to take from me my sense of well being, the feeling of ever being able to trust or feel safe again. It was cruel beyond words. I felt as though the rape was still happening, even though I wasn't being touched. 

Touch.

Even now, with the brief contact I had with the healer, I found myself unintentionally flinching and jerking away from him, even though I knew his only intention was to help. To heal. I wondered if it would always be like this. Would I ever get over seeing Rhaast's face leering over me, feeling his talons ripping into me, hearing his primal, guttural growls in my ear....

A shudder ran through me at the mere thought of it, icy and biting as though the Freljord winds suddenly blew through my closed windows, engulfing me, attempting to suffocate me. No matter how hard I fought to push it all from my mind, it always seemed to replay in my thoughts. 

How can I run from what's in my head?

Every little movement I made was another reminder, the pain in my body, in my cuts and bruises, in the blood that stained my sheets reminded me of what Rhaast did. Of what he stole from me. 

The time it took for me to recover physically was much longer than I cared for and even when I was at last able to stand and shuffle about my room, I could still feel this keen ache deep within myself. A phantom pain perhaps, a memory of the assault etched into my body like a brand. The healer reasoned that the internal bruising was still mending, that I shouldn't rush things. Even if that was true, it did little for my mounting annoyance at my situation.

Rhaast had not been kind. Nor had he been gentle. 

It was an emotional ride, to say the least. Annoyance gave way to frustration, frustration to depression, and from depression to anger. Suddenly it seemed like I was just angry all the time. I didn't sleep. I refused to eat. The thought of food made my stomach turn and I couldn't keep anything down anyways. I avoided human contact like the plague. I couldn't pinpoint what was wrong with me. It was as though any little thing set me off. I couldn't stand people looking at me, let alone talking to or touching me. 

 _Especially_  touching me.

The days seemed to stretch oh-so-slowly. My misery made me numb to the healing black and blue of my skin, now tinting yellow and green as my body mended itself. The deep cuts and scrapes began to close up with time but those that were deeper, that needed stitching, were still proving stubborn and the occasional, accidental tear of a stitch didn't help. And if I wasn't popping a stitch, I was bleeding from my attempts at walking.

More hobbling, really. I had a limp now and my gait was slow from that deep-seated pain that continued to burn my insides. It had been weeks but the damage had been extensive. I wondered if perhaps part of it all was in my head, that perhaps my body was just remembering the trauma, prolonging my recovery. 

Whatever the reason, I was keenly aware that I was becoming my own worst enemy. If I wasn't snapping at a brother or sister of the Order, then I was stewing in self-loathing. The worst part was that I began to blame myself for what had been done to me. A part of me reasoned that perhaps I deserved the pain for being so stupid, that my own ego brought this upon me. The other part of my brain argued that no one deserved this, that Rhaast was the only one to blame.

I was torn not only physically but mentally, emotionally. 

I felt more alone than I ever had in my life.

No one understood. No one  _could_ understand. 

A week had come and gone, the weather reflecting the gloom that tainted my spirit as another storm set in, the winds howling outside my window, never giving me a moment's peace. Rain cascaded down like a curtain from the heavens, thunder rumbling overhead. My only solace was my bed, piled high with blankets and a quilt as it seemed a chill had settled into my very bones, refusing to leave me. With each roll of thunder, I shivered and was reminded yet again of the pain my body was struggling to overcome. 

I had tried almost everything to try and block it out. But there was only so much meditating and reading could do to distract my fractured mind. What made it worse was the fact the low sounds brought back the haunting memories of Rhaast, the noises he made as his weight crushed me and I cried out in pain, the way I could  _feel_  the rumble reverberate through my body- through my very soul, inescapable... was it his growls or the thunder that rang in my head?

At what point I ended up cowering in the furthest corner of my room with my eyes squeezed shut and my hands clamped over my ears, I do not really know. A whimper caught in my throat and I could feel my body shaking as I desperately tried to block out the sound. I felt so cold and the only barrier between me and the rest of everything else was the veil cast by my long hair, loose from its braid and falling about me in inky black like shadows.

I could feel my heart hammering in my chest, my breaths coming in quickening puffs, panic building, creeping up my back like icy fingers... but why? 

"Kayn." 

Shadows closed in, I could sense them without seeing them, my eyes still closed as I tried to regain control over myself. I could feel the gentle, almost tentative, caress of the shadows along my arms and legs, attempting to coax me from the small ball I had curled myself into. I wanted to open my eyes but I was too much of a coward to look at the presence I knew to be standing in my room.

" _Shieda_."

A light touch, a gloved hand settling over mine as it pressed to my ear, made me jump back with a start, my gaze snapping up to see my own terrified reflection in the polished metal of my Master's mask. My amber eyes were wide and I looked as if I was having a heart attack, and to be honest, I probably was dangerously close to actually having one. I hadn't realized I had been crying, my whole body beyond tense. I was falling to pieces.

Worse, I was falling to pieces in front of the only person who ever believed my life was worth something.

Zed remained motionless, eerily still, and I could feel the intensity of his gaze on me and yet, he felt... hesitant. Lost. 

I had never known the man to be anything remotely tender or compassionate. He was a warrior, hardened by years of trials and tribulations, betrayal and tragedy- a kindred spirit cursed to never know the gentler side of human nature. Yet he knelt there before me, searching, thinking, his silence stretching on for what seemed like forever, his hand guiding mine away from my head.

It was an odd thing, really. I had tried  _everything_  to avoid him- hide from him and push him away from me and yet still he was always just on the outskirts of my senses, keeping an eye on me. Checking in. Watching over me. Despite how hard I tried to disguise my suffering, his simply being there, always being there, regardless of how much I thought I did not want him to be, was... comforting. 

The warmth from his hand eclipsed mine, even through the glove he wore, easing the trembling I had no control over. He was a focal point to train on, a means to ground myself, his strength and calm quiet pierced through my anxieties like a light peering through a dense fog. I was torn between the opposite ends of the spectrum: I didn't want him to see me like this and yet I didn't want him to leave me. I feared him judging me for being weak but I was so desperate for comfort. I wanted to recoil from his touch even though I so desperately wanted to feel something- anything- beyond Rhasst's taint on my flesh.

Without thinking I threw myself at him, my mind scattered like the emotions that ran rampant in my heart, my face pressed to his breastplate as I cried, hands gripping the fabric of his sleeves. I was a broken thing, a hallowed shell of who I once was, lost and confused with no control and no worth. I no longer had answers for the impulses that now consumed me, I just wanted to purge the pain from my being.

I could feel his surprise, the sudden jump of his muscles as he tensed, the situation foreign and beyond his abilities to show compassion for as I sobbed brokenly in his arms. A stream of apologizes poured from my mouth, I couldn't stop them as I repeated over and over how sorry I was for this, for being this way, for disappointing him, for failing him, for simply  _existing_. I was a burden and I knew it. I wasn't worth saving, not then and not now.

Memories of that fateful day at the Epool River weighed upon me like a looming darkness I could not shake. I felt like I was drowning in despair. I had given up hope that day until Master Zed appeared before me, saving me from the very doorstep of death, giving me a new start, a home, a purpose... he had given me renewed hope. He had found me worthy then. But now... I was nothing. Useless, weak, a burden.

The feeling of a hand hesitantly settling at the back of my head hadn't registered at first as I wept like a child, unable to stop the flow as it seemed all the pain and suffering I had locked away for so long suddenly seized the opportunity to surge forth like a tidal wave, destructive and without mercy. Gradually, the sensation of fingers slowly stroking through my hair began to soothe me and I was surprised to find Master Zed was petting me. 

Not petting in the sense one would a dog or cat but more in the way a parent would a distraught child. It was such an outrageous notion to think the Master of Shadow, a ruthless killer feared all throughout Ionia and far beyond, was attempting to bring me comfort. It was almost laughable. Even so, it strangely worked. The shaking in my body began to ebb and so did my tears. The shame remained but at length, my pained body and frayed nerves were beginning to calm and still. 

He remained silent, no doubt feeling awkward at my disgraceful display but even so, his presence was something I needed more than I realized. I sniffled, feeling utterly exhausted all of a sudden, the energy drained from me and leaving me numb. I let my forehead remain pressed against his shoulder, allowing his strong presence to ground me further, even as I uttered another apology under my breath. The damage done to my throat had made it difficult for me to speak so that I was easily heard but I tried all the same. 

I felt like I needed to explain, to make an excuse to validate my patheticness to the one person who had ever meant anything to me.

"Shieda."

There it was, my name on his lips again. It did things to me I was too afraid to dwell on. His tone was low and gravelly, surprisingly soothing in my ear as he purposefully kept his voice low, as if he was afraid of startling me again. It absolutely  _melted_  me, all of it. His voice, his fingers in my hair, his scent, his very being. A sigh slipped past my lips and my body relaxed into him, my early distress evaporating into nothingness. A moment of peace at last.

It was strange to think that just by saying my name he could put to rest the demons that threatened to break me apart. It kind of scared me, this ethreal power he held over me but a part of me knew he had always had it. My body ached from the shaking, the strain of my muscles having been too tense for too long making my form feel heavy, sluggish. My mind for once went utterly silent.

"Do you know what  _true_  strength is?"

The random question made me blink, a bit taken aback.  _What true strength was_? The simple inquiry baffled me. I paused to wrap my head around what he was asking me, reflecting back on all my training. He seemed to read my hesitation like he was reading a book, his breaths coming slow and steady as he moved to regard my face, even behind the blank visage of his helm I could feel his eyes searching mine.

"Perseverance."

For a long moment, I simply stared at him, his words echoing in my thoughts. 

"Do you know why that is?" he continued, his tone remaining calm, quiet.

For lack of an immediate answer, I remained silent. I didn't know what strength meant anymore. What was it to be strong? I thought I once knew but perhaps I never really did.

"The will to keep fighting, even when you feel like giving up, is  _real_  strength. It's not about physical strength in the body nor is it about political strength with wealth and material things. Anyone can learn to fight and coin can be earned. However, it takes something truly remarkable to be able to endure through pain and suffering and rise above it. To see your limitations and conquer them, to keep getting up no matter how many times you are knocked down. Courage to keep fighting, never losing hope, even when it seems all the world is against you. Being able to take a beating yet still have the will to stand and keep on living...  _that_  is what  _true_  strength is."

I was utterly stricken. Of all the wisdom my Master had shared over the years, of his many teachings and lessons, this one hit a special nerve. I'm sure my surprise was painfully evident in my face as I took a moment to process this little pearl of wisdom and absorbing the truth in it. Before, where I had been so brazen and confident, my will was unshakable. It was the one thing that had kept Rhaast's corruption at bay from both my body and my mind. It was the one thing that Master Zed had seen in the eyes of a scared little boy so many years ago.

I took a breath to steady myself, wiping my face and wincing at the dull ache of the bruises and scratches. I must have looked utterly pitiful. I shifted awkwardly, readjusting the opening of the night kimono I wore as a sleeve had slid down, exposing my shoulder, the light cotton grazing my skin as I averted my gaze from my Master's. 

"You have nothing to be ashamed of, Kayn. You fought back. You did what you could. You are not weak. You survived... and you are still here."

My hands halted, the weight of his words pulling at something within me. There was no anger or disappointment in his voice, no harsh reprimand and no blame. There was something there, a hidden emotion foreign to me that I could not put a finger on but it snared my attention. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't find my words.

"Take time to care for yourself. You are no good to anyone if you don't recover and the longer you spend clawing at the walls the more you prolong your healing."

Oddly enough, the hint of sternness that returned to his voice left me with a bit of relief despite my own doubts. How could I ever be useful to anyone ever again? Let alone him? I blew a frustrated sigh, unable to argue and allowed Zed to help me to my feet but not without a pained wince as his grip on my arm squeezed the tender bruising there. I limped back to my bed, refusing further help from him, wanting to cling to whatever semblance of pride I had left in me. I was nothing if not stubborn, something that was as much a gift as it was a flaw.

I bit my lower lip as I maneuvered myself back into my bed with slow, cautious movements, managing to avoid jarring myself too much in the process but I could not bring myself to lay back just yet. Something still weighed heavily on my mind.

"What... happens now...?"

I flinched inwardly, the hoarse whisper hardly a pleasant thing to hear my self utter but it was the best I could do with my throat as damaged as it was in that moment. I raised my gaze from where it had previously been focused on my fidgeting fingers in my lap and took note of how Zed paused, his posture going tense. Silence settled and I could almost hear my own heartbeat as the seconds passed. From the corner of my eye, I could detect the unrest of the shadows as they flared with intensity, crawling across the walls and the floor, absorbing any semblance of light in the room, almost drowning out the single candle I had lit on my nightstand.

Distressed. Eager. Impatient. Hungry. I knew the truth behind the dance of those shadows.

"You heal. Rhaast dies." His words were simple, brief and to the point. A verbal promise laden with a rage and malice that made the hair on my arms prickle and a cold shiver run down my back.

I dared not question him further on the matter, however curious I was on whether or not he knew where the Darkin and his brethren could be found. The Master of Shadows had eyes and ears everywhere, it was part of what made him so dangerous. I could only manage a numb nod, barely a dip of my chin, really but he seemed to take that as a conclusion to our conversation and made for the door.

"Sleep, Kayn." Then he was gone.

I blew a weary sigh, my mind plagued with questions as I sat there alone in my room, my hands absently playing with a lock of my hair with nervous energy. Rhaast and I were unfinished business. Even so, would I have the nerve to face him again? Could I? The Darkin was a beast without reason or sanity, fueled by the primal thirst for carnage and destruction. Something like that simply can't be reasoned with. I deep-seated hatred for Rhaast began to take hold in my chest, I could feel it taking root like a foul rot, threatening to consume from the inside out. 

As much as I despised his kin, there was a special little place of loathing in my soul for Rhaast. I wanted him to suffer. I wanted revenge. I wanted to end him slowly- a quick death was far too good for him. Most of all, I wanted the fear he had planted into me to go away and if I could, I'd reach into myself and tear it out like the toxic weed it was.

Could I ever hope to resume living my life without the ever-present stain Rhaast left upon me impeeding my future? How do I move on from here? What could possibly be worse than being stuck in limbo within this nightmare my life had so suddenly become? I had no answers and the shadows had fallen still.

At length, sleep found me, too exhausted to dream I took solace in that small mercy.

 

 


	3. Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With turmoil consuming the mind and the heart, desperation builds and mistakes are made. Where does one go from here?

 

" _Liar_!"

The sound of my outraged scream accompanied the crash of shattering glass as I hurled a nearby vase at the Order's healer who had been tending to me during my recovery these past weeks. I had hoped for good news during our consultation but he had none to give and it left a seething, bitter rage in my chest. I hadn't intended to lash out but my body reacted on its own.

"Kayn, you must understand, these types of injuries-" he had started, trying to placate me, his eyes wary as he hovered near my door, his nervous gaze jittering between myself and the exit.

"Shut up! Just get out!" I yelled, unable to stop myself. It wasn't his fault- none of it was. But I couldn't stop my screaming, "Get  _out_!"

He didn't need to be told a third time.

As the healer beat a hasty retreat, a frustrated sound tore from my throat. I had finally gotten my voice back after weeks of healing, my cuts were closing, but some of the deeper bruises remained and right now none of these signs of recovery mattered in the light of the diagnosis I had just received.

I glared down at myself, self-loathing swelling within me. I had done all I could to try and restrengthen my body, from small stretches to fully exercising to the best of my ability to try and gain some semblance of normalcy back into my life. Even without the Darkin Blade, I was a fighter and I was intent on proving I could still be useful to the Order of Shadows- to Master Zed. I had mastered every weapon I had ever touched, I was skilled in hand to hand combat, I was a feared assassin in my own right.

But none of that mattered after the news Tao gave me today.

It was this accursed limp Rhaast had given me. No matter what I did, it plagued me. What good was I if I could not get around properly on my own? Again, that frustration bubbled up from within me and I felt a sting at the corner of my eyes. Once more, it seemed no matter what I did or what I overcame and accomplished, I was just never good enough. Nothing was  _ever_ enough.

The outrage was too much to take.

_**Wicked teeth tearing into flesh... the unforgiving grip around my throat threatening to throttle the life from me... Rhaast's monstrous form thrusting without restraint... talons raking through my flesh... the distinct sound and searing pain as my leg was popped out of joint....** _

The flashback shot through my mind's eye with a vividness that nearly had me mistaking it was real. A deep-seated bitterness surged up from within me, a mixture of disgust and despair.

Before I realized it, I was utterly destroying my room. I felt like a child having a tantrum and I  _hated_  it. But in that moment, I honestly hated everything- most of all, I hated myself. It all compiled, fueling my destructive impulses as I flipped over my nightstand, hurled a chair across my room, and wrecked anything I could get my hands on. It was too much to take, the feeling of utter helplessness, the despondency, the desperation.

I needed a distraction.

I needed an escape.

I needed something-  _anything_ \- to drown out the demons in my head, killing my self-esteem and poisoning my own mind against myself. Before I realized it, I was in the hallway outside my room, without a care who saw me, my hair a tousled mess and my kimono exposing most of my chest as I set off to find some alcohol, something to drown out my misery.

There were so many stares that haunted my steps but I didn't care, my brothers and sisters already beginning to gossip in whispers they thought I could not hear. It had been the first real look at me any of them had gotten in weeks and although I looked far better than I had, my appearance still seemed to unsettle them to some degree.

 _My, how the mighty Kayn has fallen_ , one jeered at my back.

 _His own justified ruin_ , quipped another.

Despite the gazes and the whispers, no one dared to approach me. Instead, they parted and let me pass, most avoiding me altogether as I stormed off towards the kitchens, intent on swiping something potent from the cellar.

The skies had cleared over Ionia, the storms seeming to have passed and the skies were blue with hardly a cloud to be seen, the weather pleasantly warm as spring settled in and had my situation be any different, I probably would have taken a moment to enjoy it for what it was. However, it all seemed lost on me, my mind on a single narrow track as I limped my way into the kitchen, the place quiet and empty before the dinner rush.

Ignoring everything else, including the persistent growl from my stomach, I made a beeline for the cellar, taking the stairs down carefully. It was cold and eerily silent down there, the stones that comprised the walls smooth and rounded beneath my fingertips as I felt along them on my descent down, a single lantern lit dimly in the dark. Thankfully, I knew my way around well enough to not warrant too much illumination as I had made it my business long ago to learn every nook and cranny of the Shadow Monastery intimately.

I knew what I was looking for and wasted no time in snatching a jar from one of the shelves, the seal upon the pottery a familiar one to me as it was an Ionian sake I had come to favor, my first taste of it linked to a fond memory of a drink shared with my Master after I had come of age. I made it a point not to indulge in alcohol much, anything that impeded my ability to fight and hold Rhaast's intrusions into my head at bay was a liability I avoided as much as possible. But Rhaast was gone and I could no longer fight. Instead, I had new demons to keep at bay. So why not break a few of my own rules?

With my prize in hand, I took on the arduous task of climbing the stairs back up to the kitchen, something I had taken for granted before and now struggled with the effort. My frustrations further building as I realized much to my own horror just how winded my short travels had made me and furious at my body for failing me. It was beyond humiliating, especially with so many eyes upon me, some, if not most, delighted to see me fall so low. Again, my ego seemed to be catching up with me but in my current foul-tempered mood, I would still peg any one of the Acolytes a fool if they dared to try anything with me.

After all, I didn't need a weapon in my hand to kill any of them.

With my dark, brooding thoughts, I found my way back to my room and locked my door behind me, hardly passing a look over the chaos that had become my personal sanctuary and with my back pressed to my door, I slid down to the floor, exhausted from the effort of my trip. With a heavy sigh, I broke the seal on the jar and spent the rest of the day right where I was, eager to forget as much as possible.

. . . .

_**The pain would always snap me back into consciousness. With no power and no control, I was forced to submit, the burning in my body had me dreading Rhaast would rip me apart. The taste of blood lingered thick on my tongue, my lip torn from where my teeth dug in with my attempts to stifle my screams. He laughed at me, jeered at my agony, hips ramming into me with such brutal force, tears streamed freely down my face. Then his teeth flashed before my face, aimed for my throat as he came....** _

The ending I had been expecting never came as I jolted awake from the nightmare, not realizing I had fallen asleep with my back pressed against my door, the empty jar tipped over beside me as I blinked, gaze darting about the disheveled space around me in a brief moment of panic before I realized I was utterly alone in my room. It was stifling and the sweat made the dark navy fabric of my kimono stick to my body unpleasantly, like grasping fingers threatening to suffocate me. I needed to breathe.

The nighttime air was cool and refreshing against my heated skin as I slowly slid open the shoji door to my room and poked my head out, pausing to listen. Once I was certain no one was about, I stumbled my way down the corridors of the Monastery. It seemed all life within had gone silent and still with the Order's members all having retired to their chambers for the evening beside those stationed at the guard posts or were on patrol. It was late, that much I was aware, but I hardly was in a place for rational thought at that moment as I drunkenly wandered restlessly, unable to sleep after the vivid nightmare and unable to relax despite the beauty of the full silvery moon that hung suspended above, illuminating the open grounds of the zen garden I passed.

The only sounds I could hear were the chirrup of insects and the occasional hoot of an owl mingling with my soft yet clumsy footsteps and the sound of the material of my kimono brushing against the wooden floorboards as I continued on my aimless path. Perhaps it was the fresh air I craved or the fact I could no longer stand being locked up in my room that I choose to emerge at such a late hour but the fact remained that I was getting stir-crazy and needed a change of scenery and in my intoxicated state, this seemed a perfectly reasonable option. Anything to get away from the demons that haunted me in my solitude.

Before I realized where I was going or how long I even wandered for, I found myself staring stupidly at a pair of reinforced oak doors at the end of the main hall, one lone torch in its sconce providing any sort of light at all as it sat on the wall, shadows dancing along the walls, floor, and ceiling. It was as though the shadows recognized me and beckoned to me, welcoming me to come closer. Too drunk to really think rationally, I found my body moving on its own, a hand rising to rest against the grain of the wooden door as I stepped closer. I sighed quietly, letting my cheek follow suit, the cool surface a welcome change to the rise in my body temperature from being so inebriated. I paused there, letting my eyes close a moment, listening even though I knew I would not be able to hear anything from the other side.

In a strange way, just knowing Zed was on the other side of the door brought me a sense of comfort. My inner turmoil began to emerge, confusing me with thoughts and ideas that no doubt were a product of the alcohol I had consumed in my distressed state, the drunken haze hindering my ability to put rationality and logic first before my emotions got the better of me. A part of my mind was screaming to turn around and go back before I did something foolish but the part stripped of all inhibitions urged me to step beyond the thresh hold, to be bold and stupid, to test the theory on whether or not I could still be seen as worthy in the eyes of my Master.

I honestly surprised myself when I suddenly found my hands blatantly pushing one of the doors open and slid inside, effectively barging in without ceremony, into Zed's private chambers. Not so much as a knock to announce myself, I closed the portal behind me and limped further inside, my eyes gradually adjusting to the dim interior. The chambers were dark, as they always were, save for a soft glow from a few lanterns scattered about the chambers, the room cool and hazy from shadows that shifted and danced about with the light. I had been inside the room a few times before, delivering a report or an update on a mission, mentally celebrating my success as my Master listened intently from his meditative position at the center of the room on the floor.

Now, it was empty, the cushions that provided a comfortable perch vacant and the candles unlit, incense burning out in the brazer, sending thin twisting tendrils of grey smoke into the air, the scent of musky earth and herbs lingering all around. Towards the back of the room, there was a shoji door off to the side which led off to a washroom but other than that, everything else was in full view, from the weapons and scrolls painted with calligraphy on the walls to the bare necessities that was furniture. A bed at the furthest wall of the room, a nightstand to one side of it, a desk against another wall with scrolls and books, a chest for personal items, and a stand-alone wardrobe....

Everything was in its place, simple and straightforward, something I realized reflected in my own chambers before my earlier fit of rage. As my gaze roamed the room blankly, It took me a moment to realize Zed was not there but even so, I didn't quite feel like leaving, finding my feet suddenly rooted to the floor. The windows were shut, the shutters were drawn, and not a sound penetrated the silence, the only movement the flickering flames within the lanterns and the shadows that chased them along the walls.

"Kayn."

The voice behind me made me jump, nearly out of my skin, and I whirled about to see my Master standing there, regarding me- curiously if the tilt of his head was any indicator- and I blinked at him, taken aback. I realized suddenly that I had wandered into Zed's room right passed him and hadn't even realized it. Just how drunk was I exactly? How could I have not noticed he was there when he had a presence that captivated me so?

He stood there, quietly staring at me, having been in the middle of undressing for the evening, most of his armor off and placed on an armor rack against the wall, his blades placed upon the pegs that jutted from the wall's surface, holding an arsenal of blades that all glinted and glimmered with deadly edges in the dim light of the room, all wicked instruments of destruction. He wore the basic garments of the Order, all red and black and far less intimidating without the armored additions and extra pieces that drew the look fully together, the black mask that hid the lower half of his face pulled down to his chin, exposing the majority of his striking visage.

I stood there dumbly, our gazes meeting, his intense stare boring into me in the deafening stretch of silence.

How had this been a good idea?

He slowly resumed the removal of a gauntlet, his attention never straying from me and I could not, for the life of me, get my brain to function enough to form words let alone move my body. At length, I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of a lengthwise mirror near where Zed stood and felt my face burn. My kimono was hanging off my shoulders exposing some bruises and a stitched up bite wound hidden beneath a patch of blood-stained gauze, my long thick hair loose and wildly falling in cascades of waves and random curls, and as I swayed slightly where I stood, I realized I looked like an utter wreck.

"...I-I...." I couldn't get my tongue to work.

Surprisingly, Zed didn't appear to be angry. I didn't understand why seeing as how I so rudely invaded his privacy and personal space without so much as a hello. Actually, he was quite calm and had it not been for the air of inquisitiveness I could feel in how he regarded me, I would have feared the worst.

The armor of the gauntlet clinked quietly as it was added to the armor rack and with all of his gear in its proper place, he at last turned to fully regard me, stern gaze looking me over, arms folding across his broad chest as he waited, expectantly, taking a few steps closer to stand before me.

I suddenly found myself far too distracted with the imposing- and very mesmerizing- way he stood but a foot from me, back straight and the muscles along his arms taut, the modified garments of his shokozu well broken in and complimenting his powerful form beneath the crimson and charcoal grey fabric.

I blinked, realizing I was staring, but couldn't stop. "I..."

I forced myself to look up into his face out of respect- or so I told myself- meeting his calculating gaze searching me, as if trying to read me like the pages in one of his books. My throat suddenly went dry and I swallowed thickly, unable to think. Despite how empty my mind felt, foggy from the lack of proper sleep and alcohol, my emotions were a whole other story. I suddenly felt hot all over and my nerves grew jittery. I felt unexpectedly anxious, as if waiting for something to occur, as if there was something I should be doing but had forgotten what it was. The silence stretched between us for too long, I could almost hear my heartbeat thundering in my ears as it began beating erratically and I dreaded another panic attack was imminent.

Suddenly, I remembered that night in my room, the feeling of Master Zed's fingers through my hair, the way he smelled as he comforted me, the baritone of his voice in my ear as he soothed me, how he made me feel as I used his presence as a focal point to ground myself, calming my mind... and then it became all I could think about.

Without thinking, my body just... moved.

The gap between us no longer existed as I pressed in close to Zed's rigid form, clearly having taken him by surprise as I felt his body tense all over. With my hands and cheek pressed against his strong chest, I allowed my eyes to drift close for a moment, attuning my senses to his presence. His strength, his calm, his aura, his scent... he intoxicated me in ways far more potent than any drink or drug ever could.

I let out a soft sigh, allowing his warmth and the solidness of his presence absorb into me and after a moment of uncharacteristic hesitation, I could feel his hands eventually settle on my arms, the feel of them still uncertain. I listened to the strong rhythmic thrum of his heart, counting every beat as the seconds ticked by.

I allowed my eyes to slowly blink open, focusing on nothing in particular, struck by the soothing silence of the room, the only sound our breaths on the air and the beating of Zed's heart against my ear. My chin lifted as I timidly dared to take in my Master's face, and for a moment, our gazes connected and I found myself momentarily taken aback. So intense... so focused... never had I seen such eyes....

Warmth like no other spread through me and for a moment, I allowed myself to believe I was the only person he ever looked at in such a way. A longing began to burn deep within my chest as feelings I locked away long ago began to stir, my discipline and resolve crumbling to pieces. All my training no longer had meaning, my rationality long gone. All that remained was the ache in my heart and the magnetic attraction I could no longer deny.

My gaze briefly flickered down to my Master's lips, lingering on how inviting they seemed, my heart rate rising as time seemed to slow. I bit my lower lip, feeling heat blossom in my face as I lost all control of my actions, my body now moving on its own. Closing my eyes, I could feel myself leaning into my Master's solid frame, could feel the light caress of his breath against my lips where I hesitated, struggling to regain some semblance of common sense back into my chaotic thoughts.

I honestly don't know who was more taken by surprise when our mouths met at last, a shy, chaste brush of my lips against his.

My very first kiss.

Despite the awkwardness, that all-consuming longing persisted and as the tentative brush between our lips ended, I drew back just enough to recollect myself. Or try to.

But those eyes were searching mine all over again, seeking answers I could not give. I was struck by the sense that this was right and that nothing else mattered. I no longer wanted to think or struggle with what was supposed to be right or wrong. I just wanted to be present, to feel, to indulge in what my heart yearned for. It was all I cared about in that moment.

Without warning, I threw my arms around Zed's tense shoulders, desperate to have him as close to me as possible, my lips pressed to his again. Desire sparked within me and the need to feel wanted became overpowering. I longed for Zed, all of him, his attention, his praise, his acceptance, everything, good and bad. I had for years now. It was as though all of that pent up emotion I had so carefully kept locked away for all these years spilled forth, threatening to sweep me away. But in that moment, I wanted to drown in it.

Inexperience made the kiss a bit clumsy but even with the embarrassment I felt at the fact, I couldn't bring myself to stop. I inhaled deeply as my lips pressed firmly along his own, his scent intoxicating me as surely as the taste of his kiss did. A soft noise escaped me as I allowed all of my feelings to pour into the kiss and felt a bit of surprise mixed with exited relief when I felt the weight of my Master's hands cautiously settle at my lower back.

It honestly thrilled me.

Truthfully, he was probably caught too off guard to realize what was actually happening and just reacted to the moment, even so, it was another little white lie I allowed myself to believe.

A hand cupped the side of my face, the brush of his thumb along my skin sent a shiver down my back in the most wonderful way. The longer time passed that he did not shove me away, the hungrier I became for more. To my delight, it seemed the initial shock and apprehension I could sense in his body ebbed with my persistence. All at once, he caught me off guard when his own experience took over and he instinctively aimed to deepen the kiss, a startled gasp on my lips as his tongue brushed along them, seeking entry.

Heat erupted across my face, suddenly aware of just how out of my element I was as Zed's mouth played along mine in ways I didn't even know were possible, his tongue dipping almost playfully into my mouth at first only to then deepen the kiss further, sending a jolt down my back and making my breath catch. A sound I didn't even know I could make escaped me and I could feel my body melt against him, arms hugging him tightly to me. He felt so good that for a moment, my pain, my fears- all of it- was forgotten.

The need for air soon forced us to disengage from one another and I wasn't sure if it was the lack of air or simply the incredible way he kissed me that had me feeling so light-headed. But to my disappointment, the spell of the moment seemed to be broken as Zed held me at bay, preventing me from holding him longer, taking a moment to compose himself despite the quickened pace of his breath.

"Kayn... you need to go."

My heart sank and fear began to creep up on me. The thought of him rejecting me brought unimaginable pain. Panic overcame me when he turned away and moved past me and I caught us both unawares when I spun around and grasped desperately at his arm.

"N-no- wait!" I didn't even recognize the sound of my own voice, the desperation in it was alien to me.

The stressed expression on Zed's face as he turned to me registered somewhere in the back of my mind but I was too lost in the fear of being discarded by the only person who ever mattered to me to think straight. I jumped at the opportunity to pursue another kiss with my Master momentarily distracted, and for a moment, he indulged me before withdrawing again.

"Kayn."

But I wasn't listening. I was so afraid of what would come next that I was beyond reasoning. Intoxicated and desperate, my mind began to turn against me. Rhaast's words tormented me as they echoed in my head.

**_"_ _Go back to your precious Zed and know he will never have you like I did."_ **

It all came crashing down on me, the abuse, the agony of it, it played out in my head. The need to feel something other than Rhaast on my skin was overpowering but I had become numb from the clear dismissal Zed had given me. I watched helplessly as he turned his back to me again and without thinking, I called out to him.

"Wait...." it was pathetic how pleading it sounded.

But it worked, his steps slowed and he halted, pausing to inhale a deep calming breath before he slowly turned back to face me again, his expression hard to read as he regarded me with a look of circumspection. I met his gaze and held it intently, suddenly unsure of what to say. Silence settled between us and before I realized it, my hands were moving.

My fingers worked slowly, untethering the black obi about my waist, letting it fall to the floor as my gaze remained locked with my Master's. I kept my movements slow and deliberate, needing him to see me, anything to keep him from turning his back on me. If I couldn't ensnare him with words, then I would have to try a different tactic. Despite my inexperience in the intimate arts, I was fully willing to do anything to try and seduce this man. I couldn't bear the thought of him rejecting me.

"Let me stay...?" I implored softly, daring to take a step forward.

The way he looked at me showed I had his attention but to be honest with myself, I knew it was more incredulous surprise than anything else really. Hell, even  _I_  didn't know what the fuck I was doing anymore. I had become someone I did not recognize and I hated it. I loathed who I had become- who Rhaast had turned me into but I couldn't stop myself.

I peeled open my kimono, tantalizingly slow, allowing the fabric to slide down along my arms. "This body... warm... inviting...." I was playing a dangerous game, tempting my Master this way, but I didn't know what else to do.

I let my hands play along my exposed skin, ignoring my tender injuries, my eyes on my Master. The fabric of my kimono rustled faintly as it glided along my skin, falling to pool about my feet, discarded. I stood there in nothing more than my fundoshi, shamelessly exposing my body, hinting at what I could offer him as I dared to make my way closer, my saunter slow and measured, though hardly sexy considering the limp I had. In fact, that paired with my new scars, bruises, and the stitches, I'm sure I hardly looked appetizing at all but I was so determined to entice him that I couldn't think about anything else.

Zed stood motionless, taken aback, as I reached for him again, hands smoothing up along his toned pectorals, fingers seeking out the sensitive skin along the side of his neck as I drew him in closer, doing my best to lure him with promises I wasn't sure I could keep. My lips hovered over his, my words barely above a whisper,

"Don't push me away...."

Shameless. Pathetic. I was an utter disgrace.

Zed's hand rose, eventually settling over mine and guiding it away. Regardless of the look he cast over my body, which had me blushing certainly, his gaze remained cool and somber. He searched my face and I wanted to do nothing more at that moment than to hide from him the pitiful creature I had become. I felt absolutely wretched and unworthy.

"Kayn. This is not who you are."

Wasn't it though? I wasn't so sure anymore.

I could feel that telling sting prickle at the corner of my eyes as a lump formed in my throat. No longer able to look at him, I cast my gaze to the floor, stepping back from him and allowing my hands to slip away and fall to my sides, feeling despondent and foolish.

"Please... don't push me away.... The rejection... I can't..." It was taking all of my power to suppress inevitable tears.

The more I lingered on the thought of him rejecting me, of Rhaast being right, of the fact I was damaged goods, that Zed could never want me after all that I went through, the harder it became to keep my composure in check.

Zed regarded me in silence but behind the calm exterior, I could sense the turmoil behind his eyes.

"You've been drinking. Sleep. We'll talk about this tomorrow."

His words made sense and I could tell he was trying to approach this whole situation carefully. But the nagging paranoia at the back of my mind wouldn't shut up. As despair welled up inside me, my legs lost strength and I slumped to the floor, feeling completely dejected.

"I'm damaged... that's why, isn't it?" I couldn't believe the words as I muttered them but I had to know.

I could feel Zed's eyes on me, boring into me as he stood over me unmoving. The silence lingered and it became unbearable.

"Rhaast... he broke me... ruined me... I'm nothing...." I could hear my voice crack as I lingered on an ugly truth about myself. "I'm sorry Master... please... don't throw me away...."

My vision blurred as my throat tightened, the tears spattering upon the back of my hands. I had no right to ask anything of Zed anymore, I failed him far too much. I wondered if he found me pathetic. Was he disgusted with me? I just didn't know anymore.

His breath came out in a slow, heavy exhale of a sigh and from where I knelt on my knees, head bowed, I could see his feet as he moved closer. He crouched down, reaching for my kimono and drawing it back around my shoulders, restoring some of my modesty. Once more, I was struck by the uncharacteristic tenderness in his gesture, just as I had been before that night in my room.

"Sheida."

I couldn't bring myself to respond, my hands now drawing the material of my kimono closer about myself, as if it would offer some protection. I couldn't believe how incredibly fragile I had become when only a month ago I had been so strong. The difference was night and day. I missed who I used to be.

"Rhaast never has and never will define who you are." he started, his tone level and sincere, "You are not broken. You are healing. You are not simply something that can be used and thrown aside. If you honestly believe after all this time I would discard you so readily... then perhaps it is  _I_  who has failed  _you_."

Surprised, I raised my gaze and allowed my attention to settle upon Zed's face, searching his eyes. Once more, I was struck by the sincerity in them. I sighed heavily, suddenly feeling worn out and haggard as I pressed my face into the palm of my hand.

"I'm such a fool...." My words were barely above a whisper.

The desperation for affection had me blind to all else and for a moment, I was so unbelievably selfish. How could I throw myself at my Master so carelessly? Where had my self-respect gone? How could I dare to assume Zed felt any such way for me when he had so many responsibilities to uphold, his code, his honor, all of it. I had no right. How could I make such a stupid mistake?

I was completely humiliated and beyond embarrassed.

"P-please excuse me....!"

I rose to my feet as quickly as I could manage, slipping my kimono on hastily and wrapping it about myself, suddenly all too self-conscious. I felt nauseous, my head was spinning, I could feel my heart beating out of control, the need to retreat overpowering. I turned to flee but the iron grip that caught my wrist was so unexpected that I staggered off balance and felt myself falling backward with a surprised gasp.

The floor never came to meet my decent, instead caught against the powerful presence of the man I had so thoroughly disrespected with my shameless actions only moments before. My face felt so incredibly hot as he held me tight, an arm about my waist as his chest pressed flush to my back, his other hand rising to settle over my eyes, obscuring my vision, the ghost of his breath against my ear.

"Breathe...."

Perhaps he could sense it, the distress and turmoil running rampant within me. His voice, his words, he was attempting to ground me. How could I be surprised when he always seemed to read me so well? It seemed only natural he would have picked up on the effect he had over me after all these years. There was nothing that went unnoticed by Zed's ever-observant gaze.

"Kill the body... build the body... free the body...."

Those words. That mantra that had become everything when I joined the Order of Shadow, the code by which I lived my life, seemed to awaken me as if I had been trapped in a sleep I wasn't even aware I had been drowning in. I could feel my body relax in his embrace and allowed my senses to focus on my Master.

"Kill the mind... build the mind...."

What could I feel? His embrace, warm and firm as he held me close.

What could I see? Nothing. With Zed's hand covering my eyes, I was left with a strange sense of calm in the dark, as though nothing else existed but the presence that enveloped me, keeping me warm and safe.

What could I smell? The smoke from the incense lingered in the room, sandalwood, tobacco, and oak moss mingling with the scent of my Master, masculine and intoxicating.

What could I taste? The lingering tingle upon my lips from my first kiss, sweet and invigorating with traces of mint with honey from evening tea.

"Free the mind...." the words were uttered from me automatically in response, my voice sounding tired but present.

At last, the erratic panic in my heart subsided and Zed's hands slipped away from me as I took a deep breath. How did things become such a mess? How could I allow things to get so out of control?

"Sheida."

There it was, my name on his lips again. At some point in my life, without realizing it, I had come to yearn for the way he said it, like an incantation that wove his spell over me.

"I'm broken." The words came out on their own despite my desire to ignore the truth of them. "Tao told me today. My leg probably won't be the same. I'm useless."

Bitterness stained the acceptance in my voice as I recalled my earlier visit from the healer, the older man's expression after my examination flashing through my thoughts, the look of utter pity in his dark brown eyes.

"Do not fear the shrouded path."

His words were calm and composed, as though he could see my pain and my struggles, all of them, encouraging me to not only accept them but overcome them. His words from that night in my room came to mind and again I found solace in his wisdom.

"None escape their shadows. We learn to live with them. They are a part of us. Embrace them."

I inhaled a deep steadying breath. He was right. I had come too far to give up. I was a fighter and Rhaast and I still had a score to settle. Anger and determination simmered in my core at that thought and I realized if I surrendered now, then I really was a failure. Worse, all the faith my Master placed in me, all his training, all the sacrifices made on my behalf, all his trust, would be utterly wasted. I refused to be that small terrified boy snatched from the streets of Noxus condemned to die at the Epool River ever again.

"Forgive my trespass, Master... good night."

With a renewed sense of what I must do laid out before me, I took my leave from Zed's chambers, suddenly sober and focused on the feeling that settled in the pit of my stomach, that seething rage and the desire to bring Rhaast to his knees for what he did to me now stronger than ever. I refused to give him the satisfaction.

No, I would take my Master's training and harness the new shadows that plagued me. I would bend them to my will and use them to destroy the Darkin and exact my revenge for what he did to me. He thought he destroyed me but soon he would learn how grave of a mistake he made in letting me live. My fists clenched at my sides as I limped back to my room, fixated on one single desire- Rhaast was going to pay and before his end, he will know what true fear tasted like.

I wasn't out of this fight just yet.

 


	4. Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The road to revenge is a long one. As Kayn's will to fight endures will he take the chance to cling to hope?

 

The days had grown warm in Ionia as spring gave way to summer, the skies clear and of the deepest blue, the breeze warm as it rustled the leaves of the many vividly hued trees that dappled the lands, lush and green. The sun sat high over the monastery that served as home to the Yanléi, the peace of the afternoon disrupted by the sound of the clashing of weapons and the shouts of those partaking in the daily practices to hone their skills.

The training ground paid witness to the rise and fall of many of the Order's acolytes where only the best succeeded in climbing to the top of the Order of Shadows' social ladder and today was no different. Traditional wing chun training dummies lined the outer east end of the training area, along the west wooden dummies used for throwing practice evident by the many kunai and shurikens embedded in their surfaces were erected. To the north, archery was practiced and throughout the rest of the training grounds, sparring went underway between the acolytes, typically under the scrutiny of the Master of Shadows himself.

Today was no different.

Some of the acolytes pair off to spar one on one but the most intriguing spot was in the center of the grounds where a large gathering encircled an area, observing and endurance bout where one acolyte combats all comers until he can't any longer and the new victor takes his place. It was a place that had been dominated by one King for years.

I recalled my childhood years, when I was still learning the ways of the Order, how to properly handle a weapon, how to fight with my whole body. How many times had I been knocked out of that ring by Master Zed? How many bloody noses and split lips- how many ugly bruises had I gotten from it? I could almost see my younger self there, out of breath but too stubborn to quit, Master Zed standing there gazing down upon me, arms crossed, unfazed. It was as though for a moment I was gazing into the past, all else gone from my line of sight.

My return to the training grounds had been months ago and it had noticeably caused a stir. My wounds had finally healed, the bruising long gone, and my once blemishless complexion now sported new scars which I shamefully hid behind the fabric of my old modified acolyte uniform. Most of my pain had faded but there were still some twinges that acted up when I pushed my body too hard and being as stubborn as I was, I muscled my way through it only to wind up regretting it later as I laid in my bed.

I had returned to the training grounds and wholly threw myself into retraining my body. I had to learn to compensate for my leg and to refocus my mind. Flashes of the assault still dogged me, throwing me off when I least expected it. I had to recenter my mind, rebalance my body, and force all the trauma from my head.

It wasn't just that.

The emotions that demanded recognition in my heart, the memory of my first kiss, the desire I had felt burning in my core that night in Zed's room plagued me almost as vividly as Rhaast's attack and in the end they both proved to be damning distractions that messed with my head and played with my heart. I had taken to outrightly avoiding Master Zed at all costs, I couldn't possibly face him in the face of his rejection and the utter stupidity of my own careless actions and instead, I did what I always did and threw myself into the art of combat.

I didn't need to think this way.

Just move.

During the months of my return, I had been understandably bombarded by the more curious of my brothers and sisters and initially, I was tense and standoff-ish, as always, my arrogance getting the better of me. But I could not hide how desperately I struggled in the beginning and all eyes had been on me. I felt so exposed, so naked and humiliated. Some thought themselves clever and jeered at me, figuring they were safe if I could not catch them but honestly, I did not bother to try. Let them have their fun at my expense.

I honestly deserved it.

How many of my fellow acolytes had I ruthlessly beat down in the past?

How many of them so completely had their self-esteem and aspirations destroyed by my own ego and ruthlessness?

It had dawned on me early that I had never been very kind to my brothers and sisters. They had never been anything to me. Not family, not friends... I didn't have friends.

In a place where we all struggle so hard every day to be better than what we were yesterday, where we all battle our own demons and insecurities, where we all desire more, where we all want to be seen and recognized for what we achieve... I had become a source of deep disdain and envy.

I had never thought of it before now, that in the past I had clawed my way to the top without a care as to those who struggled so desperately in my wake only to continuously be tread upon as if their existence meant nothing.

Was it honestly so hard to encourage my fellow acolytes rather than crush their hopes?

Was it too much to ask to acknowledge what they had achieved rather than continuously pointing out their flaws?

It was strange to find myself thinking this way. Despite my former hubris, I keenly remembered how it felt to struggle and despair, to be tread upon and overlooked. I recalled how frustrating it was. How lonely it felt. I had clung to the memory of those feelings and used it to fuel my ambitions to reach the pinnacle of my abilities and somewhere along the way, the driving force of that desire gradually shifted as my feelings for Master Zed began to take shape. It took me surviving an encounter with a monster and struggling all over again to regain myself to reconnect with that feeling and to realize that I had far more in common with the other acolytes of the Order than I had ever realized as we all came from nothing, had no one but each other, that we all so desperately struggled to never be weak and vulnerable again.

It was eye-opening.

The first weeks were beyond rough. Although I was not completely helpless, my balance was horribly off and my healing injuries combined with my thoughts being all over the place made my focus falter. I made mistakes that were so horribly amateur that my frustration mounted to unbearable heights. Most of the Acolytes left me alone, satisfied to see me struggling while others enjoyed the occasional barb but even so, it seemed they all still feared me too much to dare to get too close.

So I stayed to myself, avoiding everyone, working to regain what I had lost.

Everyone but Nakuri, the only person who seemed willing to interact with me at all.

He had been there beside me on our mission to Noxus, had fought beside me on multiple occasions, was perhaps the closest thing to what a friend might be that I had ever known. He had begged me not to take Rhaast back then, to open my eyes and see beyond the lure of power that it was something monstrous that had to be destroyed. Naturally, I hadn't listened.

Now I was paying for it with every day that passes.

Like the others, he was wholly ignorant of what had happened to me and the reason behind Rhaast's now palpable absence but unlike everyone else, he assumed it was due to something much larger than simply getting beaten down and having the weapon ripped away from me in my defeat. Even so, we avoided the topic altogether and it was with a measure of relief that he offered to help me rehabilitate myself. Initially, my ego made the impulse to say no- that I did not need help- an overpowering one. But I quickly realized I was in no position to deny help and so reluctantly agreed.

It wasn't long before I became grateful that I did.

It was helpful getting another's perspective as I retrained my body in the days that followed, things I had been blind to being brought to light to enable me to progress father than I would have alone in my goal to reattain my former level of combat prowess. Throughout those weeks, the two of us stayed to ourselves, working on my stances and the methods of compensation I now required for my bad leg and a part of me found amusement in the way he would chase off the other acolytes who would wander over to cause trouble. All the while, I would catch glimpses of Master Zed from the corner of my eye, watching from the upper floors but when I would turn to look he would be long gone, like smoke on the wind.

He knew I was avoiding him. I strangely did feel guilty about it even if I did think it was for the best and for the moment, he seemed to respect my space enough to allow me this time to rediscover myself.

During the past couple of months, I worked harder than I ever had before. I felt like a child all over again, desperate to overcome my struggles with raw determination and stubbornness. Like clockwork, Nakuri and I were up before the sun every morning, in the training grounds going nonstop until long after the sun had set and we could barely stand we were so exhausted. Gradually, I grew aware of the difference it made and slowly, my confidence returned with it. The most difficult part was the running. Nakuri encouraged me to do several laps each morning and again each night around the training grounds when no one was around and what started as a painful and disconcerting exercise eventually became easier and more bearable to manage. It was progress and that alone brought me peace of mind.

The next hurdle that required work was my form when delivering kicks. Where my martial art ability had been so flawless before, now the injury to my leg made it difficult to snap a kick fluidly and quickly let alone stand solely upon it. Where once I had possessed peerless flexibility, I now could scarcely raise my left leg beyond a certain point without the excruciating jolt of a stabbing burn shooting through my hip and up my back. The agony was almost debilitating. It took my breath away every time. I even had to spend a day in the infirmary after my impatience and frustration got the better of me and an attempt at snapping out a kick at a training dummy resulted in hearing something unexpectedly pop so loudly it startled us both for a split second before I found myself on the ground in utter agony. After that, with Nakuri's help, we started a stretching routine to avoid further dislocating my joints. I had to regain my flexibility without rushing the process and it was maddening how long it seemed to take.

But I kept at it. 

I refused to quit. 

I no longer had the option of that luxury, not with the festering desire to face Rhaast again on my own terms burning away at my soul. It was all I could think about as I pushed myself to the breaking point each day, muscling through the pain, feeling the burn in my chest as my lungs threaten to burst, the taste of salt from my sweat on my tongue, stinging my eyes. It became an obsession, to the point I dwelled on the flashbacks and the nightmares that plagued my sleep, using them to further stoke the fires of my rage, channeling it all into my efforts to become stronger. I no longer cared about anything else. Rhaast left behind a stain on my person I could never scrub clean and he would pay for it with his life.

Months had passed since that night but the memory was still branded into my mind's eye like it was mere moments ago. The longest night of my life when a moment felt like days and the hours felt like years, every sensation cursed with blinding pain and unbearable shame and no one could hear my screams.

I had come so far since then.

The night I went to Master Zed, at the lowest point I had ever been in my life, his words reminded me that I was so much more. He opened my eyes to a truth about myself I had nearly forgotten: My spirit would not break so easily.

With his words and my hatred for Rhaast fueling my newfound ambitions, I pushed myself to new heights at a rate that surprised Nakuri and in truth, I kind of surprised myself as well. I had always been a quick study, I had a natural gift for picking up on things, the more complex the better, and committed them to memory and it made my training with Zed in my youth more advanced than most of the more senior acolytes of the Order were undergoing. Once again it offered me an advantage to overcome my limitations and with my recentered focus set, I was working on my footwork with a sparring partner before I realized it.

At first, Nakuri had the advantage over me- he knew my moves and was unhindered by a handicap as I was, but I always had been one to adapt quickly and soon found new ways to throw him off. He couldn't read my moves if he didn't know what was coming. After I adjusted and grew comfortable with hand to hand sparring without problems, we upped the ante with weapons added into the mix. Each day as the weeks passed we sparred hand to hand and then again with a weapons and somewhere along the way, the other acolytes began to take notice and would pause in their own training to come and observe.

So it was today, so many months later, the summer sun warming Ionia as I stood amidst that sparring ring, surrounded by my brothers and sisters of the Order, facing off against Nakuri in a sparring match, each of us armed with a pair of Sai, clashing with fluid ease as if I had never been injured in the first place.

The air rang with the clash of steel and sand flew from beneath our feet as we danced about the circle amidst the shouts of our brothers and sisters who observed with eager excitement. We paid them no mind, focused on each other, a sai in each hand, aimed for the other. He lunged forward with a right-handed jab, the left sai coming down to follow in an over the head arch downwards, the three-pronged blades singing as they collided with my own, parrying each blow with one of my own, a twist of my wrists knocking the hits aside harmlessly.

Sunlight caught on the black steel of the weapons as Nakuri aimed another jab forward, my arms snapping up to catch the weapon betwixt the prongs of my own sais in a block, using my wrists to turn the captured weapon aside and away, throwing my sparring partner's arm out wide. His left arm came in with a swift thrust from below to prevent my follow through and had me on the defensive, bringing my sais up to ward off his own with a clang.

My right hand swept across my body to smack aside his left, effectively keeping it at bay from prodding at my stomach, my left coming up to ward off his downward swing with his right, letting him back me around the circle as my eyes darted about, reading his intentions as he tested my defenses. As I cross blocked another downward jab from both of his weapons, I pivoted my weight on my heel and sprung forward, using my strength to thrust upwards, forcing Nakuri's arms up and wide, throwing open his guard. I followed through, pressing forward and now backing him about the circle as I surged forward with my sais bared, jabbing low with my left and high with my right, each time the action was met with a clash of unyielding steel.

He parried my downward strike and used the momentum to spin about, his left sai singing as it slashed through the air down low, aimed for my middle, forcing me to hop back, an action that made me wince at the jolt I felt up my bad leg.

Shit.

"Remember how to catch yourself!" Nakuri called out as he pressed in on me.

I had forgotten in the heat of the moment and mentally berated myself. That was a mistake that would have cost me my life had I been fighting Rhaast or any of his Darkin brethren. I couldn't afford to make mistakes- not anymore.

I brought my sai up to knock away a swipe aimed for my face, my left blade swinging low to perry another jab, gritting my teeth as I clenched my jaw tight, forcing myself to concentrate on the fight, blocking out all else for the moment. Nakuri had always been good with the sais, they were his weapon of choice for close combat and although I had mastered every weapon I had ever touched, unlike me, Nakuri pursued sole usage of the pronged blades and turned it into an art form. I held my own against him despite the fact, the pair of us evenly matched as we paced ourselves about the circle. The older man had strength on me but I was quicker, even with my injury and although he had his own personalized style utilizing the sais, my reflexes were sharper.

He leapt for me, bringing both sais down in an overhead swing- a tactic I knew he was using to force me into remembering how to brace myself without being rewarded with another painful pinch in my hip- and I brought up my own weapons in defense, catching the prongs with my own and remembering my footwork this time around. He brought his weight down on me more than I was expecting, forcing my back into an arch as I was forced over backward, grunting from the strain as my heavier opponent pushed into me. I could feel the telling tremble in my bad leg creep up the length of it but I refused to give ground. With a roar, I pushed off my good leg and forward, disengaging Nakuri with a shove that threw both our arms out wide.

I recovered first as he was sent backpedaling, dropping into a low crouch and using the momentum from my legs to bring me up into a low lunge with my left whilst my right aimed high, a jab that would have caught anyone else in the chin to be sure. But Nakuri saw the blade coming and dodged accordingly, leaping back and out of the way of both stabs. I closed the distance between us as I spun about, the sai flipped in my hand for a back-facing stab, the prongs once more tangled with his as he defended with a cross block. Withdrawing swiftly I narrowly avoided a kick aimed at my stomach to force me back and had to nimbly dance aside as my opponent rushed me with both sais aimed for my chest.

Sweat ran down my face in beads, the sun beating down on us in unforgiving heat without so much as a breeze to ease our suffering, the dust we kicked up between us clinging to our clothes which in turn stuck to our bodies as we perspired from our efforts. Our weapons clanged sharply, each swiping blow knocked aside as we traded off, each trying to get the upper hand of the other when I stepped wrong, the jolt in my hip distracting me as my guard was thrown wide, my right arm swinging out to the side, leaving me open for a blow I had no time to perry and Nakuri had no time to slow.

Fortunately, my reflexes were still as sharp as they ever were and I jerked my head back, narrowly avoiding losing an eye as the prong of Nakuri's sai slashed my face.

"Shit! Are you alright?!"

He had stopped but I hadn't. The pain fueled the anger I had building in me- not for Nakuri but for myself and my stupid mistakes. If this had been a serious fight against Rhaast, he would have taken my head with that blow. Everything seemed to fade into a dull haze and all I could think about was Rhaast, the anger, the frustration simmering within me....

"Wah! Hold on!"

I could barely register Nakuri's yelp of surprise as I came at him, my motions now fueled by wrath born from my own insecurities and shortcomings. I couldn't stop myself, the need to release all the pent up aggression and anger drowning out my self-control. The clash of steel rang out sharper and the other acolytes stepped back, making the ring bigger in their attempts to put a bit more distance between them and us.

"Shit...." Nakuri defended, realization settling over his features as his expression grew serious and focused.

I lashed out, not bothering to pull my punches anymore, the need to hit something- anything- consuming me. I was seeing red and couldn't stop myself. All I could see was Rhaast standing in front of me, taunting me, tormenting me....

I could no longer distinguish friend from foe and it scared me.

My thrust with my left was parried and my backhanded slash was knocked aside with enough force it spun me about and as I tried to recover, arms came down around me, locking about my shoulders. I realized in the back of my mind that someone was trying to restrain me and kicked out, fighting through my pain as I brought up my good leg to connect with the face that hovered over my shoulder, sending the body behind me reeling back.

In a fury, I whirled on him, Rhaast- no Nakuri?- and thrust forward with both sais, aimed for my opponent's stomach. The prongs were caught and battered aside, but I was relentless. Vaguely, I was aware of someone calling my name but through the haze, all I could see was red, an unending ocean of it. The Epool River. The enemy dead. Noxus. That night Rhaast laid over me.... 

I screamed in rage, my blades striking with wild, deadly blows aimed to kill and my opponent was put back on his heels, forced on the defensive as they blocked, parried, and dodged my relentless flurry.

A stabbing jolt of white-hot pain forced me to come to as my bad leg was swept out from under me and I landed hard on the flat of my back, panting with heavy breaths. As my vision focused, I realized Nakuri as leg swiped me and now stood over me cautiously, his gaze wary. His skin was glistening with sweat and he was struggling to catch his breath as I realized my error and felt all the fight leave me. I laid there for a moment, calming myself with deep, slow breaths and when I opened my eyes again, Nakuri was offering me a hand up.

Reluctantly, I took it and felt him haul me to my feet, wincing at the pain that blossomed in my hip. Around us, the other acolytes seemed to have calmed and the excited buzzing of conversation returned as they dispersed, the fight clearly over. I felt Nakuri's large hand clap me lightly on the shoulder, making me jump at the unexpected contact and when I turned to regard him, his expression was surprisingly apologetic.

"Sorry 'bout the leg. In my defense, I honestly thought you were going to kill me. We... good?"

I could feel the deep-seated frown form on my face at his words and blew a heavy sigh. I felt completely worn out and confused. At some point, my casual practice spar with Nakuri had turned into a battle to the death with my demons and I had no idea how to fix it so it would never happen again. It seemed my concerns were written all over my face as Nakuri blew a sigh of his own, sheathing his sais.

"Look, don't worry about the things you can't help. I don't really know what happened but what I can say is that I know you can overcome this. Look how far you've come. All your hard work is paying off. You still have a long road ahead of you so there are bound to be a few bumps along the way- some rougher than others- but my point is, you've come too far to throw in the towel now. So... you know, don't be too hard on yourself. Hell, you were practically running circles around me just like old times. Scary mother fucker."

The cheeky quirk to his lips and the playfulness in his tone oddly made me feel more at ease and I actually couldn't help a quiet chuckle of my own in response. How long had it been since I had last laughed at all?

I thumbed at the wet feeling on my cheek and realized I was bleeding from the cut Nakuri had given me and his expression once again grew apologetic, his hand rubbing at the back of his neck, "Yeah... sorry 'bout that too."

He stepped closer leaning in to get a better look at it and for a moment, his proximity reminded me of Master Zed that night only a little more than a month ago, his warmth and his closeness... I could feel my face heating up but told myself it was the summer heat who was the true culprit. Even so, I made it a point to look anywhere but at Nakuri as he invaded my personal space, not that he was bad looking but more because of my own insecurities. Thankfully, he didn't seem to notice.

"Eh, doesn't look too bad actually. More of a graze than an actual cut, you're lucky you've always been a quick one. Like chasing around a damn monkey."

Despite his humor, the fact remained that had I not been so quick to react, I probably would be missing at eye right now. It was a sobering thought.

"You should go to the infirmary and get checked out. Better safe than sorry."

I groaned audibly. I had grown to loathe the infirmary and the amount of time I seemed to spend there nowadays. I felt like a child being told to go to bed- even though I knew it was for my own good, I still resented the idea of it. As Nakuri chuckled at my obvious disdain for the idea, the monastery bells tolled, heralding the oncoming evening hours when most of the acolytes would be in the mess hall for dinner.

As the flurry of activities began to settle in the training grounds, I turned my gaze back to Nakuri taking note of the fact he seemed deep in thought and wondered what suddenly crossed his mind to bring about such a pensive look. His gaze eventually slid towards me in a sidelong glance, pausing before turning towards me and speaking, "You should take it easy tonight. Give your body a rest. We'll train more tomorrow."

Before I could even open my mouth to protest, he had turned away and was walking off, waving a hand as he departed, "It's one night, Kayn, not the end of the world. Besides! I have something I want to show you later so I'll stop by your room after dinner!"

I watched him go, my frustration ebbing as the tiredness in my body made itself known and with a great deal of trepidation, I went to go put up my practice sais and headed for the infirmary.

______________________________________________________________________________

By the time I returned to my room, it was dark out and the halls had grown quiet save for the muted chatter of a few acolytes out on guard duty and patrol, the air had grown cooler but still warm without a breeze, the air feeling stagnant as a quarter moon hung overhead amidst a blanket of stars. It was a beautiful sight and one that brought back another memory of my childhood when I would climb out my window to stargaze from the roof only to be caught by Master Zed and berated for being so careless. The idea that he would mother hen me so out of the worry that I would fall off the roof bought a bit of amusement with it.

Once more, I stood in my room peering out that same window, overlooking the peaks of the mountains that concealed the monastery from the rest of the world, bespeckled with trees that branched out in a way that reminded me of the small bonsais I would see for sale at the markets in the towns. It was one of my favorite sights, a place where I got to see the change of the seasons as the view became vibrant during the spring when all came into bloom, robust and quiet in the summer, painted with colors of warmth in the fall, and blanketed with snow in the winter. It was like viewing a work of art that was ever-changing.

After a moment of extended appraisal, I moved to undress from my uniform, something I had taken to wearing again in the past months after years of it being hidden away in the bottom of my drawer, neglected and forgotten. The last time I had worn it, I think I was about sixteen, maybe seventeen. I had modified it to my own tastes, removing the bits I found unnecessary to make movement easier, resulting in my uniform primarily consisting of the base shozoku itself with the heavier armor plating removed along with the hood, the red sash tethered about the waist. After all this time, I was amazed it still fit relatively well even if I had grown a bit taller. Wearing it oddly provided me with a sense of comfort and hid the new scars I now carried.

Once my uniform was off, I dusted it off before folding it and setting it aside on a stool near my closet for tomorrow and retrieved a navy colored yukata from the wardrobe, the lightweight cotton of the fabric preferable to anything heavier on this warm summer evening. I let my hair loose, running my fingers through the tresses woven together to loosen them and sat on the edge of my futon, running a comb absently through my hair to rid it of tangles. I had never once cut it and to be honest, I really had no idea why. It seemed like far less trouble than having to have it constantly cut every few months and although it was a bit of a grabbing hazard in combat, there had been more than one occasion where hiding things within the woven strands proved incredibly useful. In fact, in my teens, it had been an advantage using a concealed blade tied to the end while on missions. Perhaps I'd pick up the practice again.

A knock on my door drew my attention and I realized it must have been Nakuri as I could vaguely make out his form beyond the shoji's washi, his silhouette backed by the torches that lined the halls out in the corridor. I bade him enter and as he did I took notice of the tray he carried, balancing two bowls, a pair of cups and a teapot upon its surface whilst he carried an old looking book from the library tucked under his arm. I sat my comb aside and rose to my feet, brows knitting in apprehension as the man wasn't exactly known for his graceful balance and the last thing I needed was food spilled all over the tatami that made up my floor.

"I wasn't aware we were having a dinner party in my room." I remarked dryly, moving to help relieve some of his burdens even as the tempting aroma of dinner made my stomach grumble.

"Yeah, you're welcome." Nakuri retorted, sliding my door shut behind him.

I let the argument drop and moved to set the tray onto the small table I had situated near my window, once more admiring the view and the stars that pierced through the dark, as I seated myself upon my knees despite that ever-present stiffness that insisted on making life difficult for me. Nakuri followed, settling with a sigh of relief beside me as I neatly sat out the meal. It was purely by reflex that I set out our bowls and chopsticks neatly, followed by our cups in which I poured our tea and when I heard the snicker from beside me, I looked over curiously, catching the other man watching me with a bemused quirk to his lips, a thick brow lofted as if he didn't quite know what to make of it all but I could tell from his expression, he found more than a little entertaining.

I frowned, my own brows knitting together. "What?"

His grin just grew wider.

"Nothing!"

I stared at him, unconvinced.

"You know... you'd make a great wife one day!"

I immediately felt my face heat up, my ears too, as I leveled a flustered glare his way, which clearly he hardly saw as threatening at that moment as he laughed. It dawned on me how it all must have looked had someone else been watching and that only embarrassed me further. Taking up my chopsticks, I sharply tapped him on the head, none too gently and he seemed to get the hint, chuckling as he rubbed the spot ruefully.

"Ow! Okay- okay! I'm  _kidding_!"

I huffed in annoyance and took up my bowl, the contents a simple katsudon which happened to be a favorite of mine. And to think I had planned on skipping dinner altogether tonight. A comfortable silence filled the room as we ate and after a moment, my gaze fell upon the battered old cover of the book he had brought with him, now sitting on the table. Curiosity got the better of me and I just had to know why he had brought it with him. Surely there had to be a reason.

"What's with the book?"

Nakuri perked up as if suddenly remembering it and tapped the cover with the butt-end of his chopsticks, "Oh yeah! So, remember earlier when I said I had something I wanted to show you? This is it!"

I stared at him. "...you wanted to show me a dusty old book?"

"Yes!" He looked so ridiculously proud of himself it was almost comical.

"A dusty old book that probably doesn't have half of its pages, smells like stagnant rainwater, and probably has moths in it?"

"Yes!"

I gave him a flat, deadpan look and he blinked, shaking his head.

"What-wait, no! I meant what's  _inside_  the book, you dingus."

Rude.

I glowered at him.

"Don't call  _me_  a dingus when you clearly didn't lead with that useful bit of information in the first place, you twat."

"Did you just call me a boob?"

"I said  _twat_  not  _tit_ , you idiot."

"Eh, same difference."

"They aren't the same thing!"

Nakuri laughed, waving away the ridiculous conversation as he reached for the book in question and all but thrust it into my face. "Look at the title!"

Still fuming, I begrudgingly gave the book's face a passing glance, seeing nothing of importance jump out at me as I indulged in another bite of my dinner, the words "Medicinal herbs of Ionia" gracing its dingy cover.

"... it's a book about herbs. In Ionia. So what?"

Nakuri let a sound reverberate in his throat that sounded like a mix between frustration and a yak drowning in a river, his head tilted back as he rolled his eyes to the ceiling. It seemed I was overlooking something important.

"You're killing me, Kayn. I thought you excelled in everything?"

The look on my face said he was trying my patience. "You have a point and I'm  _still_  waiting to hear what it is."

He sighed and flipped the book open, flipping to a page he had previously marked, speaking quickly all the while and from the tone in his voice, I realized he had stumbled upon something that had him excited for good reason.

"Look, everyone knows Ionia is home to most of the world's rarest plants and fauna, right? All of which typically has some sort of magical property about them. Therefore, they are highly sought after and used in alchemy and rituals."

I sipped at my tea, watching him from over the rim of my cup, curious as to where he was going with all of this, "Makes sense. Most of these plants and fauna are found in the more dense jungles of Ionia, typically in places humans don't traverse. The Vastaya hold domain over such regions for the most part as those lands are sacred and full of ancient magic."

"Exactly!" Locating the page he had been seeking, he tossed the open book onto the table with a thud and enthusiastically pointed to it, "I remembered hearing about this herb in particular before while undercover in a village near Pallas. A vendor in the market place had a conversation with a collector of rare florals and mentioned that there was a rare flower that the Vastaya used in their healing spells."

With my interest peaked, I leaned forward to better look over the writing on the page, a picture of an exotic looking flower opposite it, clearly a field sketch of some kind complete with notes on the details. As Nakuri spoke, a prickle of excitement began to form along the back of my neck, realizing what the point he was trying to make really was.

"It's said that the magic in this flower is so potent that when combined with the right ingredients in a spell, it can heal almost any wound so long as it's not fatal. Think about it! What if all this time there was a way to heal your injury and all you needed was a damn Vastayan flower?"

I hadn't realized my hands had started to shake until I eagerly snatched up the book, desperately committing every work on the pages to memory. It sounded almost too good to be true. I was almost too afraid to let myself linger on the possibility that there might actually be a way to heal the pain. That there was hope.

I read and reread the chapter regarding the Vastayan herb even after Nakuri had retired for the night, collecting as much information on it I could find. Although I could not pronounce the Vastayan name for it, the loose translation had been highlighted below by the author to which I was endlessly grateful for as understanding the Vastay's language was a bit of a nightmare. The Aquatic Moon Lily seemed to be an herbal species related to the more common Honeyfruit often found around fresh bodies of water. The plant was described as growing in dense clusters in shallow spring water typically found in the highest mountain ranges of Ionia, consisting of tall thick green stalks with long slender leaves, the petals of the bloom so vividly white they could be seen faintly glowing in the dark. My interest only grew as I continued reading, finding the flower to be quite unique as the book went on to state the plant was nocturnal, absorbing energy and blooming into their brilliant white flowers strictly on the night of the full moon, the one time a month when they can be pollinated and harvested.

I lost track of the hours reading that night, too excited to sleep despite how tired my body felt after the long day I had sparring with Nakuri. I was so determined to find a way to be rid of the constant agony that I was willing to do almost  _anything_  for it. The Vastaya and the Order of Shadows were hardly on friendly terms and more than a few of them new my face. I doubted they would be forthcoming in sharing the location of one of their most coveted medicinal secrets but I was willing to try. I had to. I couldn't live like this anymore.

This was all the hope I had left.

 


	5. Push

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Kayn pushing his limits and Zed's ever-watchful gaze upon him, when will he ever begin to feel whole again?

 

 

The days seemed to pass me by in a blur. I was exhausted from spreading myself far too thin, like butter over too much bread, my focus divided between reattuning my body in the training grounds and ceaselessly researching more on this mysterious herb that the Vastaya coveted so. My nights were no better as vivid nightmares continued to harass me when I closed my eyes, making a sound sleep near impossible. There were times when I just wanted to let go, to give in, and let what haunted me consume me. Would it not be better, I argued with myself, than this endless struggle that became my life?

Of course, it was all rhetorical musings born of my deep-seated frustrations. I had always been too stubborn for my own good and I continued to push myself as the days dragged into weeks. Nakuri and I continued our spars and what had begun as a painful routine restrengthening my damaged body now became something that simply existed, an obstacle to overcome for the moment and I knew that if I could make it, then I would be okay for another day. Granted, there were days when the flair up of pain was simply too much and it was agonizing to reach the finishing goal. But I refused to quit. I had come too far to quit.

I still caught periodic glimpses of Zed watching me always just out of sight, a ghost among shadows that lingered in the corners of my vision. I continued to avoid him, even as I began to realize that doing so simply... hurt.

It hurt so much I could barely stand it. It was a curious thing to think that he was so close and yet I missed him so deeply. How was it possible to be so near to someone and yet feel a thousand miles away all at once? It just... didn't seem fair.

Now fully aware of what I had always suspected, deep down in my heart, to be true, I could not ignore the deep-seated longing that pulled at my very soul. I could still remember so clearly the feeling of my first kiss, the taste of green tea with mint and honey on his lips, the way he smelled and the way he felt when he touched me. It was both maddening and terrifying.

I did my best to block it all out of my mind but it always snuck back up on me, never leaving me, always lingering in my thoughts. But I was unworthy. And so I stayed away.

Throwing myself into my training left me tired and numb at the end of the day, so much so I was far too weary to feel the sting of rejection or to allow my mind to wander to places it shouldn't go. It was my way of coping with everything. Push it all away, block it all out, don't think, don't feel.

Kill the Body. Kill the Mind.

Today was no different. It was smoldering and dry out as a heat bloom swept over the region, the dust choking as a hot, stifling wind blew, offering no relief from the summer sun already sitting at its zenith in the noon sky above. Sweat ran down my face in beads, my hair just as damp as my clothes and had things been like they used to be, I would have avoided heavy clothing at all costs even at the risk of an unpleasant sunburn. But my scars were my own secrets to bear and so I toughed it out, my navy blue shokozu dusty and uncomfortably humid, sticking to my body in all the worst places.

Nakuri and I did our best to ignore the blistering heat as we trained, my current obstacle an old, well broken in balancing beam. Before my injuries I had been able to clear this particular obstacle course without issue, from the balancing bowl and weighted pendulums to the narrow beams and climbing nets, my agility and flexibility unrivaled. I had held the record for completion time... but probably not anymore. As I wobbled precariously at the starting point, my hands clinging to the support rails either side of me, I realized just how daunting my current task was shaping up to be, balancing on my bad leg was trouble enough without having to do it on a beam no wider than the heel of my foot.

In the past I used to love running this gauntlet, it kept my reflexes sharp and my body nimble. Now... I was honestly kind of dreading it. It had taken all my stubborn willpower just to get up here in the first place along with Nakuri's encouragement and now that I hovered almost two stories off the ground, I felt an unexpected wave of dizziness overcome me. It was so high up, how could I have not noticed before? If I fell now, I wouldn't be able to land properly to prevent injury. This was... not my best idea.

Since when was I afraid of heights?

"You goin' to stand there all day, drippin' beauty?"

I felt a twitch of annoyance tug at my face as Nakuri taunted me from below, a drop of sweat rolling off my chin to fall to the dirt so far beneath me. I hope it lands in his eye instead.

"Working up to it!" I could hear the annoyance in my voice as my frustration began to mount.

Why wasn't I moving?

"Focus." The unexpected voice that drifted up to my ears took me by surprise, the deep faintly gravelly baritone certainly not Nakuri's.

Swallowing thickly, I chanced a glance down and realized to my embarrassment, I had a crowd gathering as fellow Acolytes came to watch- like they always had before- and among them, Zed stood below me, the red from the lenses of his helm trained upwards at me. I could feel the color drain from my face as I wondered when he had gotten there and realized it was impossible to back out now. I was in this whether I liked it or not.

I managed a dumb nod, my cheeks burning at my inability to keep my legs from wobbling, my impeccable balance clearly shot. This was going to be way tougher than I remembered with my new handicap. I took a moment to close my eyes and inhaled a deep, steadying breath through my nose, clearing the fear and hesitation from my mind. I had far too many eyes on me now for me to chicken out. More than anything else, Zed was watching.

Opening my eyes, I set my concentration on where I needed to step to clear the length of the beam over how the hell I had thought this had been a good idea in the first place, picturing the right places to step to reach the first hurdle ahead of me. Beyond the five-meter beam rose a six-foot log wall, a sheer drop onto smooth balancing stones behind the broad face where the course continued for another yard until you hit the rubble, a stretch of obstacles that helped train the body for vaulting and ducking. And that was only the start of my problems.

With the feeling of so many eyes burrowing into me I exhaled another deep breath and at last willed my body to move forward. I had to set a whole new standard for myself, dropping back down to beginner status as a reminder that I could no longer clear the whole course with acrobatic flair like I once had. More importantly, I had to avoid falling at all costs. It would hurt a  _lot_  if I didn't.

I set off along the beam, keeping my arms out either side of me to help with my balance and nearly toppled off after the first three steps, swiftly correcting my posture to make up for the miscalculation and to keep me upright. Below me, I could hear the distinctive gasp at my near costly mistake and had to tell myself not to let those below me syke me out. This was hard enough as it was without having to worry about those below distracting me. Admittedly, my awkward scurry across the beam was far from graceful and as I neared the wall, the beam's worn wood creaking beneath me, I had to bite my lip as the effort to make the jump caused a sharp twinge to shoot through my hip. Thankfully, I was barefoot and the added grip and traction from my toes helped in propelling me forward and up, even if the heat from the sun made the wood bite unpleasantly at my feet.

My first attempt was a complete miss and again, I nearly fell off the beam, my arms flailing briefly to recenter my balance, narrowly missing a plummet down onto hard sand. Another two tries and finally I was up, hanging by my fingertips from the top lip of the wall, the hot wood licking at my fingers. Thankfully, I had no problem utilizing my upper body strength to lift myself up, the strain in my shoulders and upper back evident of just how long it had been since I had done this last. It made me feel weak and I hated it.

Driven by the onset of self-loathing, I perched precariously at the top of the wall, peering down at the cylindrical stones that shot up about three feet from the ground, several of them scattered along the next stretch of the obstacle course until it met the rubble. As I judged the height of the fall, I questioned not for the first time how I had thought this would be a good idea and recalled my training with Nakuri, remembering how I had to catch myself to prevent doing further harm to my already punished body. With a nervous gulp, I dropped over the edge, aiming for the flat head of the first stone.

I don't know who was more surprised when I stuck the landing, myself or my audience, the shock from the ball of my foot connecting with solid stone rolling up the ankle of my good leg and into my knee but not enough to be wholly debilitating. With a sigh of relief, I willed my muscles to obey me, rising up from my crouched position to balance on my good leg, mentally preparing myself for the upcoming sequence of small hops from one stone to the next to carry me across this stretch of the course. With my jaw clenched tightly, I sprung from one step to the next, doing my best to be quick in alleviating my full weight from my bad leg by hopping to the next stone, a process repeated multiple times until I, at last, reached the next section of the course.

The start of the rubble section required vaulting to get over the first wall and with my leg already screaming at me in protest, I slid over the first wall and dropped into a low crouch, dodging under a low hanging log before being forced to jump once again over the next wall. Essentially playing a solo game of leapfrog, I made my way through the short expanse that comprised the rubble and after leaping over the last wall, I could swear my leg was about to fall right off me, the throbbing already spreading up into my hip. Ever stubborn, I gritted my teeth and pushed forward, meeting the next portion of the course, my gaze trained ahead of me as I tried to block out the pulsating ache in my hip.

The upcoming section of the training course consisted of slanted stone steps lining either side of a wide passage, the purpose to train shinobi in leaping from one awkward slanted surface to the other without touching the sand. It stretched for about three- maybe four- meters before reaching an incline where one must jump up to grab ahold of a set of bars and utilize upper body strength in hopping up several pegs before being forced to swing yourself off to proceed onto the more difficult part of the course. Beyond that, the gauntlet began, weighted sandbags swinging from side to side along a narrow stretch where trainees were forced to jump from one long rope to the next in a total of five all while avoiding getting knocked off. It was as much a test of speed and agility as it was better judgment and I blew a deep breath between my lips to prepare myself for the attempt.

I wasted no time in propelling myself forward with a leap to the first step, grateful to land on my uninjured leg for the next spring I would need to reach the second step on the opposite side. I mentally told myself that all I would need is the momentum to aid me in getting through this part, that so long I was quick enough, the weight of my injured leg would be lessened dramatically. It sounded sound in theory at least. In practice, not as smooth as I had hoped. With my jaw firmly clenched, I endured the torturous leap from one tilted stone to the next, leaping forward and eventually up at an incline as I hop-climbed to the summit I would have to jump from to reach the bar and the whole affair was killing me inside.

Reaching the platform to leap from, I pushed off the surface with my good leg in hopes of sparing my lame one and the decision almost cost me as I barely made it to the bar. With a grunt, I dangled for a moment and tried to clear the building pain from my mind, all the while gradually becoming aware that the other Acolytes were shouting incoherently at me from below. After a moment, it dawned on me that they were actually shouting encouragements and I spared an inquisitive glance back over my shoulder. This was new.

Noting Nakuri's over-enthusiastic thumbs up and the vacant stare of Zed's helm staring back at me amongst a dense crowd of fellow acolytes, I turned my attention back forward and mustered my strength for the next part, tightening my core and swinging my legs to lift the bar I hung from up onto the next peg, the first of ten before I could advance further. Thankfully, my upper body strength wasn't suffering as much as my lower body and I was able to continue on without much of a hiccup save for the sweat occasionally dripping into my eyes. It was way too damn hot outside.

When the time came for me to begin swinging, I threw my weight forward and then back, feeling the metal bar drag against my palms uncomfortably. I worked on getting enough momentum before launching myself forward, counting down mentally. One... two....

On three, I let go, swinging forward with enough  _umf_ behind me to carry me to the first rope. The texture of the ropes was well worn and scratched harshly at my skin, rough and unforgiving but I blocked it out and centered my weight, supporting most of which with my arms, my feet braced against the taut woven rope to offer some leverage. The ropes are stationary rather than free to swing and the trick to get to one rope to the next was to perform a combination of a jump and a swing- much like the spider monkeys I saw sometimes in the jungle canopies of the Rift. In fact, their technique inspired my own and it worked well for me.

I timed my next move carefully as I wanted to avoid the sandbags swishing past me as much as possible- I could still recall the first time running this gauntlet in my youth and getting nailed by one of those things. It had  _not_  been fun.

As I clung to the ropes twenty feet above ground, I was as cautious as possible, watching for a few moments to detect any sort of pattern I could in the swishing obstacles and when at last I was confident enough, I dropped my legs and used them to propel my weight down and forward in a swing, releasing the rope and just making it past the first sandbag to grasp the next rope, all in the nick of time as the bulk of the swinging weight wooshed past me so close I could feel the rush of air that came with it. This was the hard part. Once started, this gauntlet couldn't be stopped until you reached the other side and so I didn't slow or falter in my mad bolt across. There were a few close calls but much to my relief, and utter surprise, I made it across.

Despite that victory, I didn't have time to stop and savor it, as I was faced with the third section laid out before me. To continue, I had to leap to a climbing net and scramble up to ascend onto the platform ahead where I was faced with a second gauntlet of studded wooden wing chun dummies that spun in random directions, the goal to train the body in reflexive dodging and blocking. These things fucking hurt.

Once I made it through to the end, a second balancing beam awaited me and there I would have to leap off the end to another short stretch, of course, suspended twenty feet above ground which consisted of three spinning wood and metal hoops where I would be forced to once more use upper-body strength and momentum to traverse from one hoop to the other. The difficult part was that the hoops were tilted and my body weight would force each hoop to rotate, making crossing the more complicated.

Past that laid the end of the training course where one had to use a springboard to scale up a sheer wall face studded with pegs for footholds and handgrips, a sheer drop awaiting you once you reached the top. It was so close but my body was already begging for me to call it quits. With so many eyes on me, there was no way I could quit, I was almost there.

Bracing myself, I pushed on, the spring-loaded training dummies already reacting to my presence, spinning and rotating, forcing me to dip, weave, dodge, and block, the periodic, resounding crack of a hefty wooden peg studded with metal nubs colliding with a shin or a forearm when I blocked a blow ringing in my ears, stinging my flesh. Welts already started to form and my progress was slow as I did my damndest to avoid any swinging pegs aimed for my bad leg, forcing me to keep on my toes and dance out of harm's way as much as possible. I could hear the distinct whistle as jutting limbs from the dummy swung past my head, forcing me to keep my guard up.

Halfway through and I was already so damn tired but the end was just within reach. I had to keep going, even as my lungs burned from being kept on the defensive so rigorously, leaping over and ducking low under spinning pegs that had so much force behind them they could snap a bone in the arm or leg with ease if not cautious. More than once I was forced to backtrack before reattempting my push forward, needing to recenter and reattune to the pattern hidden in the moving training dummies to work my way through. The ending was only another ten feet away.

A low sweeping peg I had not accounted for caught me off my guard, cracking brutally hard against the side of my bad leg and with a shriek of pain, my balance was no more, the limb being wiped right out from under me. It was purely a stroke of good fortune and intensive training I kept my arms up defensively about my head as I went down, keeping the whirling pegs from doing serious damage to my skull but one gave me a glancing blow to the face, stunning me as it sent me right off the edge of the narrow path and down. Twenty feet down, to be exact.

Sand isn't as soft as it looks by the way.

All the air rushed right out of my body as I landed on my back,  _hard_. With my arms protecting my head, I dodged a serious concussion but my head still spun from both the smack to my face and the rough landing on my back and before I could regain any sense back into me I was swarmed on all sides by acolytes, even as Zed ordered them to give me space. Tao, our head medic was already in my face, asking me questions I couldn't understand at the moment, and once I got the air back into me and he had finished inspecting me for a broken neck or back, he helped me to sit up, sand clinging to my sweat-damp clothes and hair.

My leg throbbed unforgivingly and as I felt it gingerly, fearing a break, I winced at how much  _everything_  hurt. My head felt as if it was about to explode and my vision swam as somewhere in the back of my muddled mind it registered that something hot and wet rushed from my face to drip down my chin and onto my lap. As Zed ordered the gathering to disperse on the threat of running the gauntlet themselves, the others fled the scene, leaving me with Tao and Nakuri at my side as I nursed a bloody nose. Further examination was required according to the older ninja healer and as Nakuri shouldered my weight in helping me to my feet with Tao taking up the slack on the other, I caught sight of Zed watching me once again depart for the infirmary. Humiliation burned at my face as I limped off, a tightness in my chest making it hard to breathe. He must have thought me so weak and foolish. 

A disappointing child.

By the time I was thoroughly examined and allowed to leave the infirmary, I shuffled my way down the hall and towards my room, the hour stretching late into the evening and dinner already being taken in the mess hall. I had no appetite, I ached far too much to even think about food. I was filthy, probably smelled awful, and was all around so sore that all I desired was a  _hot_  bath. Avoiding the stragglers making their way to evening meal, I made it to my room and slid the shoji shut, breathing a heavy sigh and feeling all the strength leave my body and it took all my willpower not to just collapse onto my bed and pass out right then and there.

I had been fortunate this time around as today left me with only bruises over broken or fractured bones aside for the broken nose I now sported. Resetting it had been something I certainly didn't want to do again in the history of never fucking ever as just thinking about it made me cringe. Gingerly, I felt along the bandage gracing the bridge of my nose, sniffling lightly with Nakuri's oh-so-funny quip about how I now looked like a tanuki with the bruising forming at the inner corner of my eyes. If I could glare right now, I so totally would. Nakuri was an asshole.

I moved towards my wardrobe, intent on grabbing a few items for the bathhouse as I simultaneously peeled off layers of my soiled clothing, the unpleasant gritty feeling of sand  _everywhere_  making me want to itch. After slipping off the upper layers of my clothes, I spared a look down at myself and frowned, a flash of healing wounds inflicted by Rhaast catching me briefly off guard. My hand snapped out to brace my body against the wall, a wave of nausea and panic washing over me. I forced my eyes shut and willed my erratic breathing to slow, feeling the thunder of my heart beneath my other hand. I let the moment pass and blinked my eyes open, looking down at myself again.

What had, for a moment, looked like the injuries from that night all over again was now gone, my present body free of blood and stitches now dotted with minor welts and deep bruising forming from earlier today. I forced a heavy exhale to leave me, my anxiety with it. It still caught me off guard, these unexpected triggers. I never knew what would set them off and that annoyed me to no end. Pushing the moment out of my mind, I took a breath to steady myself and vaguely grew aware of a slight shift in the shadows lingering within the corners of my room.

"What you did today was very foolish."

The unexpected voice behind me nearly scared me half to death. With a less than manly sounding squeak, I whirled around, my body screeching at me to move far more slowly as my wide eyes settled upon Zed standing there in front of the door. If my face could burn any hotter, I was pretty sure I would die. How long had he been standing there? I hadn't even heard him come in....

Zed began to close the distance between us, his stride steady and with purpose, and as he drew closer and closer, my initial reaction was to back away, wanting so desperately to avert my eyes but unable to resist gazing upon him. He stopped just in front of me, searching my eyes from behind the red lenses of his signature helm and only then did I have the willpower to look away- anywhere but at his criticizing stare.

Roughly, a gauntlet clad hands grasped my chin and forced my attention back onto him as Zed's free hand removed his mask and his somber gaze inspected my face, embarrassment further saturating into me as I was forced to look right back at him. A look passed behind his eyes and I found it both surprised and confused me. Was it disapproval? No, it seemed more like... disappointment. I bit my lip, waiting for him to release me, knowing better than to bat his intrusive hand away.

"It will heal. You were extremely fortunate to not have been injured more seriously."

Relief shifted into stern annoyance as he spoke, the unique blend of emotion in his tone prompting my searching gaze to sweep his own and for a moment, our eyes met and held. I hadn't been this close to him in so long, my heart began to ache, that forbidden yearning calling out for him, for more contact between us. As the minutes ticked by, his thumb gently brushed along the side of my chin and I felt a shiver run up my back before he released me from his grasp, almost begrudgingly it seemed.

I hadn't realized I had been holding my breath until then and my eyes fell to stare listlessly at my feet, "...I know."

"You push yourself too hard, you always have. Remember to take time for your body to recover."

I offered a small nod, once again feeling like a child being scolded for being too careless. It was beyond frustrating and I could feel a bit of resentment settling into the pit of my stomach. "I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of being helpless. I'm just... so  _tired_."

"You  _need_ to take care of yourself, Kayn."

If I didn't know better, I would have sworn there was a hint of pleading in that demand. My hands clenched into tight fists at my sides, frustration getting the better of me, "I'm trying... so damn hard... but it seems I can't do anything right. All my suffering... all my hard work... when will things go back to the way they were?" My tone was rising and I couldn't stop it, emotion roiling within me threatening to erupt.

My gaze snapped back up to him as Zed stood there impassively, close enough to touch, his visage unreadable as he leveled a stare back at me, "When will I stop being a  _victim_?! When will these flashbacks of Rhaast stop haunting me- when will I stop  _hating_  myself for being weak? When does it end?!" The anger and frustration melted into despair and bitterness, tears stinging the corner of my eyes, making my vision swim.

My whole body was tense, I could feel my shoulders shaking, "When...," my voice was barely audible, I could barely force the words out, "When does it end...?"

I didn't expect an answer. I knew there was really none that could be given. My jaw clenched tightly as I stubbornly refused to allow myself to cry. I thought I had moved passed this point, this emotional instability that fostered chaos within my heart. How much longer would it take? I had no answers. Everything hurt, I was too sore and too exhausted to be this upset and yet here I was. Sometimes, I wished there was a way to just turn everything off, at least for a moment, to become blissfully numb. How nice would that be?

Something brushed along my jaw, drawing me from my inner turmoil to ground me in the present, beyond the depths of my mind, my eyes rising to find Zed's expression had softened ever so slightly- so much so that one who did not know him as I did would have missed it entirely. We held each other's gaze for several quiet moments, my heart stirring within my chest as the desire to hold him grew ever stronger, to simply be nearer to him and feel his calm and quiet strength radiate into me that I might absorb it like a sponge.

This was the reason I had avoided him for so long, the memory of that night in his room lingering in my thoughts, begging to be acknowledged. The feel of his arms around me and the taste of his kiss was all still so fresh, wistful longing pulling at me to experience it all again. I wanted so desperately for him to pick up the pieces of who I once was now left scattered upon the floor, strong hands handling the delicate shards with the utmost care, to rebuild me from the ground up into something new and beautiful that I could love and be proud of. Perhaps, deep down, a part of me had always been a hopeless romantic, thriving off of fabricated fantasies that I knew would never come true. Who knew.

My heart ached. More than any physical discomfort I could ever feel, the pain of the heart was something I struggled with the most.

Feeling my Master's hand cup my chin once more awoke me from my distractions, light pressure tilting my face up to better meet his intense visage with my own, far more hesitant in comparison. My lips parted with the intent to say something and faltered, unable to find my words, my mouth moving a few times but unable to produce sound. When my eyes searched his, it occurred to me that I really didn't need words in this quiet moment between us.

With a quiet exhale of breath, my body leaned into him, mind going rapturously silent as my eyes fell closed, his body strong and firm against my own weaker one in contrast. My lips brushed his tentatively, softly pleading to be reciprocated. I could almost hold my breath in suspense if the scent of him wasn't so intoxicating.

His mouth pressed to mine after a few hesitant caresses on my part and the feeling was utterly electric, just as I remembered it to be. Haltingly, we indulged in the feel of one another, all else in the world having gone noiseless and still, as though nothing existed beyond us, here, together. Gentle pecks melded into firmer, more insistent osculation of lips, the heady taste of his kiss provoking a desire for more to burn within me. I begged for it, gingerly, with an experimental flick of my tongue against his upper lip, an invitation for more eagerly accepted as he pressed into me more insistently, a gasp escaping me as his tongue dipped into my mouth.

A quiet sound of pleasure caught in my throat, my hands inching up to settle upon his broad chest, the feel of his breastplate overlaying his shozoku cool against my fingertips. My body began to stir, the aches from earlier no longer existent as my Master washed it all away with a searing kiss.

He stole my breath away.

And then it ended, leaving me to catch my breath as my head spun in the most pleasant way from the addictive drug that was his kiss. My eyes fluttered open, seeking his own as the pad of his thumb brushed along my jaw, his forehead pressing to mine ever so gently.

"Shieda..." he started, his tone quiet, soothing, "Healing is a process that requires time and patience. Pain doesn't last forever."

I clung to his every word, not wanting the sound of his voice to end. How desperately I wanted to convey to him the feelings he stirred within the depths of my heart. But I knew that I couldn't. Zed was forever just out of my reach, leaving me chasing shadows in the dark.

He slipped away from me, the feel of his touch lingering as surely as his taste upon my lips, turning away as he replaced his helmet upon his head, moving for my door. I watched him go, the once endearing silence now encroaching. Conflicted, questions began to flood my mind. Had I imagined the look of regret on his face as he turned away? What was the truth behind these stolen moments we shared? Why was I drawn to the one man I could never have? Did he savor my kiss, aching for more as I did? Would he ever stop pushing me away?

I frowned, now staring at the vacant space of my room, Zed long gone, leaving me to be tormented by the chaotic thoughts and emotions that dwelled within me. Perhaps I'd one day come to terms with the fact that Zed and I could never be. For now, though, I simply wanted to dream.

 

 


	6. Resolve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the Darken threat looming on the horizon and the lure for a potential cure beckoning, will Kayn be able to find the strength he needs from within?

 

_ _

_ I exhaled. _

_ The sound soft and breathless. A sigh that danced past parted lips, expelled in wisps of steam that mingled amongst shadows, lost upon the air. _

_ A strong hand slid smoothly down along my side, exploring the curves of my body, rough fingertips grazing scars as lips caressed along the delicate junction of where my neck and shoulder met whilst a second tangled fingers in the strands of my dark, thick hair that had come undone from the woven confines of my braid. _

_ With my head tilted back, eyes closed, he held me tightly against him, the warm glow from the candlelight the only illumination in the dark, dancing along the sweat that beaded naked flesh as we moved together as one, the only sound the pleasured expulsion of breath between us. _

_ Slow... Sensual... Seductive... _

_ The powerful body I straddled rolled up into me, every motion controlled and calculated, coaxing pleasure to stir within me as my arms slithered about broad shoulders, riding each buck beneath me like a gentle wave as a low, lustful groan sounded in my ear, making me shiver. _

_ All around us was darkness save for the lone candle that burned low, casting its flickering light in a pool around us, as though it were the only place in the vast empty gloom it could pierce. The chill of shadows grasping at our limbs amplified the sensations that tingled along our skin and in the haze of desire that permeated my thoughts, I vaguely registered just how hollow and empty my moans sounded, echoing as though in a void of nothing. _

_ His pace picked up and with it, my impassioned breaths as teeth tenderly grazed the side of my throat, my partner’s embrace tightening around me as the alluring sound of his grunts from the effort he exerted reverberated through me, like a deep, passionate purr against my heated flesh. _

_ My body was so hot. Feverish as sweat ran down the side of my face, dampening my hair as my loins stirred with the building need to release, savoring the feeling of him filling me over and over until it became too much to take and I feared that I might burst… _

_ Then unbearable agony. Suddenly I was unable to see and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t open my eyes. Panic began to blossom in my chest, tainted by the bitter taste of fear as the cruel laughter I knew all too well sounded from above me. The unpleasant drag of claws raked my skin, splitting it open with ease with stinging pain. _

_ The burn of a body far larger than mine invading me had me crying out in the darkness, the sensation of wickedly pointed teeth sinking into my shoulder as parts of my body cracked and popped to give way to the monster atop me became drowned out my screams of pain, the echo of something breaking intensified in my ears in my blindness…. _

I awoke screaming, covered in sweat, wayward strands of my sleep mussed hair, damp and clinging to my face and arms, reminding me of grasping fingers as my whole body shook violently from the jolt of my dream turned nightmare. I gasped for breath as if I had been starved of it when my door suddenly slid open, rather violently, which only served to startle me further and made my body jumped with the shock. Before I realized it, the knife I kept under my pillow was in my hand, the natural instinct to defend myself a knee-jerk reflex before I could fully comprehend the situation I was in until a moment had passed and I blinked as the fog of sleep ebbed from my consciousness.

My heart managed to calm a bit once I realized it was Nakuri who had charged headlong into my room, eyes wide and sais drawn as if he had expected some horror to be assaulting me in my chambers. We both breathed a heavy sigh once the moment of tension passed, his realization that there was no actual threat in my room and I as it, at last, registered that I was, in fact, safe in my own room rather than trapped in the darkness of my dream.

“Gods- you scared the shit out of me! Don’t just start screaming out of nowhere, ya nearly gave me a damn heart attack!”

The older assassin re-sheathed his weapons and placed a hand over his chest as if to calm himself further and I simply stared at him for a moment longer, processing all that had transpired in the handful of seconds of me jolting awake.

Outside my window, the sun was already up, a clear indicator that I had overslept, the second being Nakuri’s presence in my room in the first place and as everything began to sink in despite being so disoriented, I could feel my face start to burn with an undignified blush, embarrassment wiping away all residual traces of fear my nightmare had induced as snippets of my dream returned to me.

I suddenly felt so awkward despite the shaking of my hands and it took Nakuri’s voice to pull me from my confusing thoughts at that moment.

“Uh… hello? I asked if you were okay?”

My attention snapped back to the other man as he hovered cautiously near my bed and I nodded hastily, remembering the blade in my hand and quickly stowing it back out of sight, stumbling over my words, “Uh- yes… Yes, I’m fine… was just… another nightmare….”

And it was all too real like they always were these days.

Another heavy sigh escaped me as I sat forward a bit and ran fingers back through my tousled hair, trying to force the lingering images of my dream from my mind. It was another reminder of Rhaast attacking me I didn’t need to dwell on first thing in the morning and furthermore, I would never be able to live it down if Nakuri realized I had been having erotic dreams of our Master, confusing as they were.

Fortunately, he seemed none the wiser as he straightened and offered a sympathetic look my way, rubbing at the back of his neck with a hint of uncertainty in his face, “Again, huh…? Maybe Tao could fix ya somethin’ with all those herbs he’s got to help ya sleep better.”

I shook my head, already dismissing the idea before he could even finish his sentence, drawing back the layers of blankets from my futon and forcing myself to get up out of bed, hands reflexively moving to correct my clothes to avoid the other man catching sight of my scars.

“No… they don’t work and only end up making me sluggish. It’s fine… I’m fine.”

The look he gave me showed he was hardly convinced but really, there was nothing either of us could do about it. I had come to accept the fact that these nightmares were now simply a part of my life, just as they had always been- if not of the horrors of Noxus and the Epool River, then of Rhaast and my assault I somehow, miraculously managed to survive. Both becoming a curse and a blessing in shaping me into who I was and who I was becoming still.

I had to believe that.

“Right… well, I was coming to get you since you weren’t out on the training field but maybe we should just take it easy today.”

The look I gave him must have been more withering than I intended as he took to avoiding eye contact with me quite suddenly and shuffled uncomfortably, a small bob to his shoulders indicating a helpless shrug.

“Just… tryin’ to help.”

The familiar stirring of anger made itself known in the depths of my chest but the rational part of my brain knew that Nakuri meant well and I had to take a moment to remind myself that his trying to help wasn’t born out of pity. “Yeah… I know. Forget it, I’ll find something else to occupy my mind today.”

I hated the sound of bitter dejection in my voice. I wasn’t a sulking child but the fact I had to force myself to remember to accept the wisdom offered to me by my peers to take things at a reasonable pace to avoid aggravating the handicaps I now possessed was a bitter pill to swallow at times.

Fortunately, I did have other things to focus on beyond body strengthening.

The book that Nakuri had given me sat on the nightstand beside my bed, practically memorized from front to back, and accompanied by numerous others now, all tomes, scrolls, and journals I had managed to collect with any passing mention of this mysterious Vastyan flower written among the texts. If I couldn’t work on my body, then I would just have to work on expanding my knowledge instead.

But first, a hot bath was needed.

“I’m going to wash up. I’ll talk to you later.”

Once I had my toiletries in hand along with a fresh towel and a change of clothes, Nakuri and I parted ways outside my bedroom door, my thoughts straying inevitably to Rhaast. It had been months and yet, oddly, things had seemed...quiet.

Although I knew I should have felt relief at the fact the Darkin and his brethren had opted to largely ignore the Yanléi and the Monastery, for the time being, a part of me couldn’t help but wonder why. Rhaast and I had shared much, it was an unavoidable side effect of sharing headspace with the sentient weapon regardless of how much I had tried to will a mental barrier between us. It was, perhaps, the most intimate connection I had ever had with something, twisted and corrupting as it was and certainly not in a positive way either.

A part of me had started to realize just how blind I had been to Rhaast influence over me, how he had gradually begun to warp not only my body but my mind as well. It took the violent separation between us for me to see that thoughts and ambitions that I had developed with Rhaast’s power had not truly been my own. I had wanted power, yes, but Rhaast took the reasons behind that desire and twisted it to suit his own ends. I had allowed myself to be blind to the obvious truths that I simply just didn’t want to see.

It was pathetic just how easy I had been to seduce with the promise of power, so much so that I allowed it to blind me to the Darkin’s treachery. How could I allow such hollow delusions to overshadow the bond I had made with the one person who ever cared for me? The one person I had ever loved?

I knew I had never truly been worthy. I had failed the test, allowed myself to become bewitched with power, and in doing so, forgotten my true self and disgraced all I had ever been taught. They say hindsight is twenty-twenty but even so, the disappointment and anger I held for myself remained and I vowed to never allow my judgment and true sight to be obscured by others again.

I would not be a pawn in someone else's game.

My steps had carried me through the eastern wing of the Monastery that rested in the shadow of the mountain’s summit and out into the fresh, open mountain air where flat stone steps lead a path through a second zen garden where the Kinkous before us came to meditate in solitude amongst the stone lantern statuettes and drawn ripples within the sand, a place often shrouded in mist and blissfully silent save for the roar of a waterfall fed by a natural spring of freshwater hidden within the mountain's heart, the lifeblood of all that dwelled and thrived amongst the peaks.

Hot springs dotted the mountain face and the lower ones had been claimed and utilized by those who had constructed the Monastery ages ago, taking advantage of their healing properties and eventually incorporating them into the Monastery grounds in the form of outdoor bathhouses.

There were times when I would come out here and take advantage of the meditation gardens or utilize the purifying waters of the falls to cleanse myself, relishing in the stillness and the almost mythical calm of it all. Like a breath of fresh air when the first snow of winter falls, blanketing the world in pure white, undisturbed and quiet. It was little wonder that such an area was popular for meditation.

Reaching the outdoor bathhouses, one side designated for women and the other for men, I slipped inside, closing the sliding door behind me. With a relieved sigh that I had the whole place to myself, I wandered further inside, eager to slip into the healing waters and ease the ache and tension from my body. I paused at one of the showering stalls and slipped out of the garments I slept in, the chill caress of mountain air along my bare skin. I had made it a point to try and bathe in solitude ever since the assault, the very thought of anyone seeing my body made me anxious and self-conscious and the last thing I needed was a panic attack in the shower.

With everything ready and my towel neatly rolled and set aside on a spare bamboo stool, I lowered myself to sit comfortably upon another, the bamboo basket containing my toiletries set on the stone floor beside me as I began the process of washing myself, grateful that my broken nose had healed nicely as I ran water over my face before taking the extra time, as usual, to properly wash and condition my hair. There was a lot of it to care for and admittedly, it was a bit time consuming but also, weirdly enough, therapeutic. I realized that perhaps the reason why could be the fact that it actually forced me to slow down and take the time to tend to it and therefore, relax during the process. The smell of mint and lavender in the solutions I used helped in soothing my senses and as I ran a comb through the inky lengths, washing away any remnants of suds from them, it sort of dawned on me just how long it all was.

The thought of taking a blade to it and cutting it all off crossed my mind for a moment and I allowed myself to play with the idea for a little while. I wondered what it would feel like, being rid of the additional weight, how I would look without all of it. It was just hair after all and it would always grow back. I couldn’t remember a time when my hair had been shorter than my shoulders, which was how long it had been when I had first arrived in Ionia as a child. A bemused smirk tugged lightly at the corner of my mouth as I began to imagine the reaction everyone would have if I suddenly showed up with such a dramatic haircut. Perhaps something like Zed’s. It certainly worked for him but for me… probably not so much.

With all impurities washed away from my body and hair, I stood, taking a moment to gather all of the thick, sopping tresses and began the annoying task of coiling up at the back of my head, over and over until it was all gathered and pinned in place before I turned and made my way towards the edge of the rotenburo, the heat radiating from the water’s surface beckoning to me like a Siren’s song.

The bathhouse was filled with the steam that rose from the hot springs as I moved to carefully descend the natural stone steps into the water, the contact immediately providing relief to my aching body that I so desperately sought. With a wistful sigh, I advanced deeper, the water rising to settle about my chest. If heaven could feel like anything, I would strongly argue that this was it. As my tense muscles began to relax, I dipped down until the water enveloped my shoulders, relishing in the moment of pure bliss.

All at once I could feel all my stress and anxieties evaporate, the enveloping heat soothing like a blanket left out in the sun, warm and comforting. A soft sound vibrated in my throat, an almost purr like noise that I didn’t even know I could make filling the silence as I allowed my eyes to close. But my mind seemed to be constantly in motion these days and inevitably, my thoughts strayed back to the fragments of the dream I could recollect. It had started out pleasantly enough.

Well, “pleasantly” wasn’t exactly the right word for it. Even just recalling how real it all felt, the scent of my Master and the very feel of him moving against me… into me… the caress of his warm breath on my skin, the sound of it in my ear… perhaps it was the temperature of the water but I could distinctly feel the burn in my face all over again as my body reacted instinctively. It was embarrassing just how easily a fantasy, something so intangible and fleeting, could arouse me in such a way. The hands weren’t real, the passionate trailing of lips wasn’t real…

But on the opposite side of that coin, neither had been the slashing of claws and the snapping of teeth at my neck. Rhaast had once more invaded my subconscious and robbed me of the rest I so desperately needed. Just as it was humiliated how easily a phantom fragment of something unreal could excite me so too was it equally terrifying how easy it was for such a thing to steal away any semblance of security I felt. The double-edged sword of life, I suppose.

As the hot water of the spring flowed around me, caressing my skin and coaxing the exhaustion from my muscles, I forced my thoughts elsewhere. This Vastayan flower could very well be my last hope in regaining some semblance of control back over my life. I needed to find it at all costs and with all the information I had gathered, I had a vague idea of where to start my search. The trick was slipping away without Zed noticing and surviving the untamed wilds of Ionia with a body that was nowhere near ready for a solo excursion into hostile territory rampant with chaotic magic and monsters.

I had often thought myself fairly clever before but now the thought of what I was considering to do seemed just stupid. Impulsive, brash, and foolish. Yet the desperation was becoming too much to take. I wanted my struggling to end, to move past this stain on my life that made simple everyday things so unbearably painful. I decided then that, no matter the cost, I would set out to find this flower. The hope it represented was well worth risking death for.

* * *

By the time I had finished my bath, dressed, and returned to my room, the noon sun was already high in the sky, the day but fair with a light breeze stirring the maple leaves of the trees within the courtyard and tumbling those that had already fallen to the earth across the sand. The air suddenly felt different to me as I made my way through the halls, heading for the training grounds. I wasn’t certain what it was exactly that nagged at the back of my mind but I could just feel a buzz in the air, like a charge of static just barely tickling my skin.

My footsteps slowed as I cast my gaze around, halting at length to pause and listen. There was a din in the training grounds, and as I resumed my approach, the excitement in the air steadily grew more palpable as I hastened my pace to see what was happening. Yanléi rushed from the yard into the great hall at the center of the Monastery and with my curiosity peaked, I followed, knowing something major must be happening to cause such a stir. Careful not to jostle anyone, I slipped inside and stayed close to the wall, inching my way along it until I had a better vantage point to better observe the room.

To my surprise, Master Zed stood at the fore, helm tucked under his arm as he regarded what a pair of scouts had set out before his feet, his expression somber, the glint in his eyes dire. I knew that expression as it was one he wore often when a dangerous mission loomed ahead of him. The prickle at the nape of my neck stirred a feeling of apprehension within me but the curiosity consumed me further. Shifting around a group of acolytes, I drew cautiously closer until at last I had a better view of the situation and could hear one of the scouts, a woman named Yoni, speaking with a tone that, despite her years of experience, held the barest hint of a tremor.

It was fear.

“There is no mistaking the carnage we came across, Master. The whole village was nothing but smoldering ashes and charred bones of the dead. This was all the remained of the armor of their warriors.”

My stomach had already begun to churn as other members of the Order began to murmur amongst themselves in tones hushed and excited, my gaze fixed upon the shredded armor that rested on a bloodied cloth laid to bear on the hardwood floors at Zed’s feet. I knew all too well the type of weapon capable of rending steel in such a gruesome manner and for a moment, I could have sworn I felt Rhaast’s heavy breath upon the back of my neck.

Alarmed, I stumbled back and the action drew the unwanted attention of the Master of Shadows, his gaze meeting mine. My chest felt so tight, I could hear my heart in my ears. Suddenly everyone was looking at me, no matter where my eyes darted to there was someone staring at me. I hated it. I felt vulnerable, exposed, the relentless thrum in my head escalating.

I couldn’t breathe.

The world began to spin as I groped frantically along the wall at my back, desperate for a means of escape, anything for a breath of air. I could hear voices but was unable to detect words, all of it just a muddled clamor of noise until suddenly, all I could see was Zed, his commanding voice ringing overhead and yet his voice sounded so far away, so muffled despite how close he stood, the pounding of my heart soon drowned out by a ringing I couldn’t shake.

I must have blanked out for a moment because the next thing I realized I was sitting on the floor, gasping for air, hands shaking as Zed shook me by my shoulders, his grasp unrelenting and strong. I blinked, confused as my vision swam. What just happened?

“Kayn, breathe. You need to remember to breathe!”

I stared back at him stupidly, letting his words sink in before realizing at last what must have transpired. Another panic attack. I must have been holding my breath again without knowing it. Humiliation pulled at me as everything gradually came back into focus, sound restored with renewed clarity.

“Rhaast….” I wasn’t sure what I wanted to ask and yet so many questions ran through my head.

“Is not your concern right now.” I was struck by the harsh finality in my Master’s tone and as our gazes met, his stare was unrelenting and icy.

“B-but-”

He didn’t bother to let me finish, hoisting my roughly to my feet, my back connecting with the wall behind me as he held me still, his commanding presence dwarfing me, overpowering me as he held me firm, “You will not disobey me on this.”

The warning was crystal clear and the amount of anger that seethed in his voice intimidated me. Was that rage directed at me? I could feel my heart sink at the thought of it. It was well deserved for letting my weakness show in front of so many. I swallowed thickly, shame consuming me from the inside out, forcing me to avert my gaze from his piercing glare.

Then he released me and took a step back, the shadows grasping for him as if his very presence summoned them into the room. His breaths were slow and steady, belaying the roiling storm I knew dwelled within, his strong jaw set firm, the muscle clenched there. “You are not ready.”

The feeling that overcame me was… indescribable. Pain lanced through my heart as his words implanted in my head, repeating over and over. At that moment, all my hard work, everything that I had struggled so desperately to overcome, any hope I had regained in conquering my shortcomings felt all for naught. His words utterly crushed me and the sting of tears began to prickle at the corner of my eyes.

How could he say that to me? After all I’ve done, after how far I’ve come….

The twisting within my chest grew all the more painful as I watched the man I loved turn his back on me and without another word walk away, leaving me to my inner turmoil and despair. How could he? Did my pain and suffering mean nothing to him? I wanted to scream after him but I couldn’t get my body to obey me. The sound of the hall doors slamming shut behind him echoed unforgivingly around the chambers and I found myself once again alone.

I stood there for a long moment, numb and hurt beyond words. I wasn’t ready? A part of me knew there was truth to his words but I still didn’t want to believe them to be true. That feeling of being a useless burden returned and settled like a bitterness upon my tongue. I was trying… wasn’t that enough?

The bitterness soon gave rise to anger and all the rejection and failure soured in the pit of my stomach, my fists clenched tightly into white-knuckled fists at my sides. All rationality deserted me and without any further thought, I made a hasty beeline for my room. Once there, I gathered my pack from my closet and began stuffing it with the supplies I would be needing for my self assigned mission. I may not be ready in my Master’s eyes, but I’d be damned if I wouldn’t be. I refused to sit and wait for Rhaast to come to me when I was at my weakest.

I headed towards my door, intent on swiping some potions from the infirmary and a weapon before departing, only to pause a moment, turning to consider the weapons that rested on the blank wall of my room, pegs holding an assorted arsenal. These were special to me, each the first of its kind I ever held and in time, mastered. My gaze was immediately drawn to one item, in particular, the silver curve of the blade almost calling to me. It seemed almost poetic really that the sickle from the Epool River beckoned to me and without further hesitation, I moved towards it, removing it from its roost and testing its weight in my hands. This would do nicely.

With my weapon in hand, along with several small blades concealed on my person, I slipped out of the Monastery grounds with no one the wiser, my sickle and its newer twin secured to my hips, my pack filled with basic necessities on my back and a newfound determination burning within me. My gaze settled on the faraway peak of my destination, barely visible even from this vantage point.

I had a long journey ahead of me but it was a path I knew I had to travel alone. 

  
  


 


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